


Shades of Black

by Teese



Category: Children of Bodom
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Christmas, Falling In Love, Illnesses, M/M, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-06 09:30:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5411711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teese/pseuds/Teese
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Children of Bodom are playing the last concert of their 2015 world tour. Things have been going great for the band, but Janne begins to see some changes in Alexi’s behaviour, and he is worried about him. Upon returning to Finland, things get more and more out of control for the two of them. But even if the reality of their world is horrible, something beautiful is born from the ugliness of their situation…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oslo

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like there wasn't enough CoB fanfiction here, aaand I really loved writing this thing. I hope someone will enjoy it :)

Oslo had always been an inviting capital, even if Janne had to admit that it was far from the prettiest, especially when they came straight from Stockholm. But what he loved about Norway had nothing to do with architecture. He had always been oddly fond of the Norwegian fans, perhaps because they were hardened by the True Norwegian Black Metal scene. He knew that Alexi had been a diehard fan back in the good old days, in the 90s, and he was convinced that the guitarist was relieved that Oslo would be their last stop.

“I’m taking the ferry back,” Alexi announced and took a sip out of his water bottle. “I’ve spent enough time going through security checks this year.” The Finn shook his head and then smiled a tiny smile, amused by Janne’s facial expression. “Seriously?” the keyboardist asked and deepened his frown. Alexi just shrugged. “Aren’t you just sick and tired of airplanes? They’re not very spacious. They’re actually obnoxious, to tell you the truth.”

“Maybe so,” Janne said and shoved a bottle of beer into Alexi’s other hand. “But a ferry takes forever. And I get seasick.”

The blonde rolled his eyes, annoyed that he needed to argue about his preferred means of transport. “Just give my ticket to one of the crew members,” he reasoned and closed his eyes for half a moment, leaning his head against the back of the very ugly hotel chair. “You won’t miss me much for what… an hour? I’d complain the entire time anyways, dude.”

Janne regarded Alexi with a faint frown still attached to his bearded face. The man, older than him by less than a month, seemed absolutely exhausted.

“Okay, okay,” Janne said, causing Alexi to open his bleary eyes and watch the keyboardist with mild interest. “I just kinda assumed that you’d rather fly with us. You didn’t seem so steady on your feet last time we went by boat.” That statement made Alexi groan, obviously annoyed. “You panicked more than me. And now the chance of me being in another ferry accident is close to nada, so I’m really not worried. And jeez, have you looked at what time it is?”

“No, I-“

“We’re gonna be so late if we don’t get going.”

* * *

They hurried towards the concert hall, well-aware that they were late by half an hour. Alexi seemed abnormally stressed out about this fact, something that had the rest of the band wondering. They all looked to Janne for an explanation, but he had none other than the obvious: Alexi was overworked and overwhelmed.

When they had finally found their way to the dressing room, Alexi pulled off his sweater in something of a rush, and Janne, who hadn’t really been so close to Alexi in a while, couldn’t help but to stare at his naked torso.

His eyes traced the visible lines of Alexi’s ribs, and he shuddered at the sight of pale skin that seemed almost transparent against his bones. The unpleasant moment ended when Alexi put on one of his usual tank tops, and then turned to look at his bandmate with curious eyes. “I didn’t smear my eyeliner, did I? Shit, we don’t have time for this.”

“No-no,” Janne reassured him and forced a smile, one that Alexi would have seen right through had he not been so stressed out. “Your makeup is as immaculate as always, Allu. Like a scene girl going to a suicide party.” The blonde frowned at the comment, sensing the tensed atmosphere in the room, but decided they didn’t have time for it. “Good. Let’s get going then.”

“Yeah, let’s,” Janne murmured softly as the vocalist exited the room, his tiny frame making its way through the hallway and towards the stage area. Something wasn’t quite right with his best friend, and Janne wanted to find out exactly what it was. It would however have to wait until after the concert. 

* * *

Alexi, skilled as he was, managed to go through the set list without error. Even if stress didn’t necessarily improve Alexi’s mental state, it made him extremely self-aware, thus more accurate in his play. Janne was quite the opposite, if anything. He messed up so many times during that concert, and Alexi shot him ugly looks every now and then, which certainly did not help. At one point, Janne had to stop the concert and he made a humoured apology to the crowd for messing up “Everytime I Die”, which was kind of a big deal. Alexi had joined in on the joke, and he had made the audience shout: “Janne fucked it up!” a few times.

The concert eventually came to an end, the crowd happy with the performance in spite of Janne’s numerous mistakes.

When they were all finished in the dressing rooms, Henkka and Jaska opted for a particularly awesome bar they had visited a few times before, but Alexi made it clear that he didn’t want to go out. Only by throwing a quick glance at him, the guys could tell that he needed some rest, and it was well-deserved. Janne felt increasingly more worried about his best friend, especially now that he saw the weariness so pronounced in Alexi’s features. He wondered if he’d look so tired the entire time, and in that case, Janne wondered how he could’ve missed it.

“I’m gonna get some rest as well,” Janne said when Henkka asked if he’d like to join them at the bar. “Messing up so badly must’ve really drained you,” Jaska joked. Janne gave him a forced smile in return before bidding the two of them goodnight.

The dark-haired man had to take a deep breath before leaving the hotel lobby, taking the stairs so that he could gather his thoughts for a bit. He headed up to the third floor where all their rooms were, hoping Allu hadn’t passed out from exhaustion just yet.

Janne knocked, straightening his jacket, smoothing his hair. A muffled: “it’s open” came from the other side of the door, and Janne stepped inside of the room, taking in another sharp breath.

“Allu?” he said, his voice soft and low, almost a whisper. “I knew you’d come to apologise,” the familiar voice said, though muffled from the pillow he’d buried his face in. “Why did you get so nervous all of a sudden anyways? I know girls make you uncomfortable, but in a crowd-“

“What’s up with you?” Janne asked and took his seat next to the smaller man on the sofa. He peeked up from where he had been hiding, a confused look on his face. “Me? What the fuck are you on about?”

The keyboardist pressed his lips together, worried that he might have been overreacting. But when he turned on the floor lamp, he knew he hadn’t been wrong to feel upset. Alexi’s skin wasn’t just pale anymore, it was ashen, and he seemed damp, as if he was suffering from a fever. There were dark circles adorning his eyes. Janne couldn’t hold back his hand, and he put it onto Alexi’s forehead, feeling the abnormal warmth radiating from it.

“You’re sick,” he stated. Alexi jerked backwards, almost as if Janne’s hand had been made of fire, and he gave him a heartfelt glare that had Janne pull back a bit as well. “And how is that relevant? I’ve played with broken ribs, for fuck’s sake.”

The dark-haired one wanted to protest, but he realised that Alexi was already aggressive about this, probably because he had been so severely stressed out about the concert. It would most likely do more harm than good to put any more pressure on him. He’d have to wait until they were back in Finland again, if it’d be necessary by then. Alexi did, after all, have a girlfriend to return to.

“Jeez… I’m sorry, Allu,” Janne said and averted his eyes, forcing them down to his rather worn shoes. “I’m totally out of line here, aren’t I?”

“You think so?” Alexi asked. His tone of voice was still aggressive, as if he was protecting himself from Janne, which hurt him more than he could allow himself to express. The guitarist did however take notice of his bandmates disheartened look, and he knew that Janne always meant well.

“Look, Janne…” he hesitated for a moment, searching for Janne’s brown eyes. When the keyboardist moved his gaze from the floor and their eyes met, the blonde felt like he could continue.

“Don’t worry about silly old me,” he said and tried his best to sound encouraging, which made Janne smile.

“You’re barely older than me.”

“Yeah, but I was born old and cranky. That’s why I need you to stay positive for me, y’know?”

“I know,” Janne agreed and leaned toward Alexi ever so slightly, and Alexi returned the affectionate move by putting his slender arm around Janne, pulling him a bit closer. They stayed like that for a while, until Alexi actually did pass out from exhaustion and started drooling on Janne. But that wasn’t entirely out of the ordinary, really, but then they were usually drunk, and Alexi was unnervingly sober now.

Before leaving the hotel room, Janne carried Alexi to bed, realising his friend couldn’t weigh more than fifty kilos. This had startled the brunette, even if Alexi had managed to ease his worries with his half-hearted explanations just a few minutes ago. But the fact was that the blonde looked like a skeleton wearing a bodysuit and a wig, and that was an undeniable fact.


	2. Finland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexi is being less than sincere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys! I'm really happy about the feedback I've received :) I appreciate it
> 
> Another chapter will come reaaally soon :)

Janne was watching Netflix, the final season of Sons of Anarchy. He slumped heavily into an overstuffed armchair, his feet resting comfortably on the very expensive glass coffee table. Had his mother seen him now, she would not have approved, and that was fine by him.

A loud beep emitted from his phone, stealing his attention away from Marilyn Manson in the role of Ron Tully, which was something he enjoyed as much as it creeped him the fuck out. He paused the episode and reached for his mobile phone. Looking at the screen, he realised that Henkka had sent him a text message, prompting him to give Alexi a call, stating that the vocalist had been out of reach for a few days now. It wasn’t unusual for Alexi to forget about his phone, especially during the holidays. Even so, Janne dialled the number he had memorised years ago, listening to the monotone beeping noise until he reached voicemail.

He texted Henkka back, informing him that Alexi had not picked up, but that he was probably in the garage cosying up with his cars, or maybe his girlfriend, god knows.

A few hours later, and a few chilling Tully scenes later, his phone once again signalled that someone had texted him. He had expected it to be Henkka again, but smiled when he realised that it was from Alexi. _Hey. Sorry I didn’t answer, was caught up in something. You good, man?_

Janne had to shake his head when he realised he’d been smiling like some goofy teenager. He rolled his eyes at himself and wrote back: _I’m good. Henkka was wondering about New Year’s Eve. You still up for it?_ The blonde replied after less than a minute. _Of course, dude. It’s tradition._

The keyboardist put his phone back on the coffee table, the same goofy smile still plastered on his face.

 

* * *

 

Christmas was only four days away, a fact that didn’t particularly brighten Janne’s mood. If he had been a brutally honest man, he’d say that it had quite the opposite effect on him, but he’d never admit to such a crude thought. And besides, it wasn’t the fact that it was Christmas, or the fact that he had to buy his nieces a shitload of presents, no, he actually liked all those things. But his sister had a husband, and that husband was about as sharp as a marble. And he had decided that he hated Janne for some farfetched reason, which didn’t help. He couldn’t grasp how he could be fine with Antti and not him, but whatever.

Then there was another kind of hell in relation to Christmas, and that was the art of wrapping Christmas gifts, an art he wasn’t skilled in. In fact, Janne was kind of retarded in the art of Christmas gift wrapping, and he sorely missed having a girlfriend. It was an established fact that all women were masters in that department.

“Fuck this shit,” he growled as he attempted to put a black sheet of paper around a pink box that contained a horribly slutty Barbie doll. He’d felt genuinely embarrassed purchasing it, but what does one not do for little nieces? In a few years, he’d be buying them Burzum albums instead. He was quite certain that Barbie was a worse idol than Varg by far.

When all the gifts for his family had been properly wrapped in black, only one gift remained bare on the table, a gift that wasn’t intended for any of his family members. It was an anatomically correct chocolate skull. It’d be a good laugh among friends, knowing he never could’ve bought Alexi a very serious Christmas gift. Thus he wrapped it in pink and headed out.

 

* * *

 

He had parked his car outside of the familiar house with the even more familiar garage. Alexi and Eliina had lived there for a few years by now and it felt like an actual home, something Janne hadn’t really had since he’d moved out from his parents’ house a few centuries ago. He was a bit jealous at that, actually.

Janne rang the doorbell three times before Eliina opened the door, a wide-eyed expression on her otherwise beautiful face. “Janne?” she asked and sounded more than a little bit surprised to find him standing outside of her home.

“That’s me,” he confirmed and attempted to walk past her, but she blocked the door, refusing to let him step inside. “What-“

“Did Alexi send you here?” she interrupted, her eyes glued to the pink Christmas present he was carrying with him. Janne just gave her a dumb look. “Speaking of whom,” he said and tried to look over her shoulder, but he couldn’t see the man in question anywhere in the living room. “Is he home?”

“Home?” she asked and frowned. “He doesn’t live here anymore. Didn’t he tell you that?”

Only then did he hear a door open from inside the house, and he saw a rather well-built fellow walk into the living room and then invade Alexi’s sofa. Janne’s jaw tightened at the sight of the man in his best friend’s house, with his best friend’s girlfriend.

“Shame on you,” Janne said and more or less glared at the horrible creature that was standing in front of him – a proper she-devil in the flesh. “Shame. On. You.”

Eliina put her hands on her hips in an angry manner that Janne had found was typical female behaviour and meant that hell was about to happen on Earth.

“Alexi and I came to an understanding a few months ago, just before you went on that little world tour of yours, and we decided that he’d move out. Okay? So whatever thoughts are going through your tiny brain, keep them to yourself. Your beloved Wildchild made this decision for himself, and that’s that. I have no clue why he’s been keeping it from you guys, but the fact is that Allu and I are over and out.”

“And you’re with Arnold over there now? Jeez.”

Eliina rolled her eyes at the cheap comment. “Whatever, Janne. I’ll write down the address to his new apartment, and then I’ll never see you outside of my house ever again. Kay?”

“Whatever,” he agreed, making his best impersonation of her annoyingly nasal voice while at it.

 

* * *

 

A thousand thoughts were running through Janne’s mind at once. What the hell had Alexi been doing? He was desperately trying to rationalise the guitarist’s actions, attempting to find something to blame it on, and there were of course many thing to be put to blame. Eliina must have severely broken Alexi’s heart, and Alexi was so broken he couldn’t even mention it to the band, not even to Janne. But it still made no sense. Alexi had never withheld anything from Janne, and it wasn’t something he wanted the guitarist to make a habit of doing.

When he finally landed on the address the devil had gifted him with, he was swift to run up the stairs and knock on the door that carried the number twelve on it.

The door was opened. Alexi’s pale face greeted him from the doorway, the usual childish gleam in his eyes completely vanished, now exchanged with a bewildered look. “How-“ Alexi interrupted himself, his blue eyes clouding over with realisation. “You went to the house.”

“I went to the house,” Janne confirmed. “Will you let me in now, or will I have to wrestle you?”

The blonde seemed insecure for a brief moment, but then moved out of the way, allowing Janne to step inside his humble abode. And it was indeed humble. Apart from a table, two chairs and a mattress, the living room was empty.

“You… how long have you been living here?”

“Since yesterday,” Alexi said and shrugged. “I’ve been staying with my folks for a while now.”

The dark-haired man sat down on one of the chairs, his face blank with bewilderment. As he looked at the table, he found an ashtray and an untouched bottle of Jack. Alexi had undoubtedly been having a staring contest with the bottle, and had he not interfered, he was quite certain who would have won that contest. “You can’t live like this,” he simply stated. “And you can’t smoke inside.”

The blue-eyed Finn was merely staring at his friend, a look of complete hopelessness on his face.

“Right,” Alexi replied after a couple of minutes of silence. “Right,” Janne whispered back, his eyes resting on Alexi’s frail figure. “You’re coming with me. And before you argue, there’s really no room for discussion here. You can’t live like this, and we both know nothing will get done until after New Year’s Eve.”

Alexi didn’t argue, he simply allowed himself to sink into the second chair and then closed his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe that it was real. He felt completely and utterly humiliated.

Janne knew what thoughts were entering and exiting that lovely head of his, and he felt as guilty as he felt relieved that he had found him before Christmas Eve. Knowing Alexi wasn’t big on holidays, he most likely would’ve spent it in the apartment that had no furniture to speak of.

“We’re leaving. I have a surprise for you in the car, but you can forget about opening it before Christmas Eve.”


	3. Janne's place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! :)

It was early in the morning and the world outside Janne’s apartment was cold and dark and uninviting. The only thing the Finn could find comfort in were the diamond stars up in the sky, seeing the starry sky was never starrier than in the winter months, when the wind was harsh and the snow would whip their faces. Some people had convinced themselves that winter was the greatest invention ever, putting their skis on and going skiing in between snowclad trees and lakes. Janne shuddered at the thought. Sportspeople were complete oddballs, and that included his retarded brother-in-law.

The dark-haired man turned his attention away from the window. His chocolate eyes landed on the sofa where Alexi was sleeping, a slight snore escaping his lips every now and then, and though it was a fairly annoying sound, it soothed Janne in some way he couldn’t explain.

Janne had always had a strong gut feeling, and whenever it acted up, he’d follow his instincts. He knew in his heart that something about the blonde wasn’t right. Knowing this, he also knew he had to pursue it.

It was a well-known fact that Janne’s cooking skills were far from great. Even so, he had decided to make Alexi some proper breakfast. Ever since he had seen his torso in the dressing room at the beginning of the month, he’d been worried. While Alexi was staying with him, he’d try to fatten him up a bit.

When Alexi finally stirred from his sleep and had finished yawning and stretching, he’d noticed that strange sounds were coming from the kitchen. The smell of food then filled his nostrils.

“No,” he groaned. “No-no-no…”

“Allu!” Janne then called out from the kitchen. “Breakfast’s ready!” The blue-eyed man felt more than a little bit concerned about Janne attempting to cook something, especially if it was more complicated than putting together a sandwich, and judging by the smell, it certainly wasn’t a sandwich.

Alexi was basically tiptoeing towards the bathroom when Janne came to fetch him, and he gave the blonde an amused look. “You’re not sneaking your way out of this,” he said and Alexi heaved an overly dramatic sigh, causing Janne to smile a genuine smile. “This better be good, then.”

When they sat down at the kitchen table, Alexi felt a bit overwhelmed all of a sudden, realising that Janne really had put some effort into this meal. But he also felt some annoyance towards the other man for mothering him, even if he realised that he kind of needed it at this point. After four years in a relationship, it felt very odd to be single again, not having an affectionate woman to tend to womanly businesses, meaning cleaning and cooking and a few other things, of course.

“Janne,” he said and looked into the brunette’s eyes, a tiny smile on his lips. Janne knew that this was a meaningful look, and it said way more than words, which was probably a good thing. The next thing that slipped through Alexi’s lips was: “let’s hope this tastes better than it looks”.

There were eggs and bacon, thick slices of bread, fresh instant coffee and orange juice. Alexi never would’ve admitted to it, but he hadn’t eaten anything but crisps in a few days. Only he didn’t need to say anything, because just in that moment, his stomach growled in a very angry manner, which was followed by an awkward silence. And then they laughed.

“Eat,” Janne commanded the blonde, enjoying the now rare sound of his laughter. Janne had always loved watching him when he laughed. He liked the way sometimes a little crease wrinkled the side of Alexi’s nose when he did, or even when he grinned.

“You too, and stop staring at me.”

* * *

Alexi had gone back to sleep at some point. The heavy breakfast had exhausted him, which caused Janne to even further worry about his well-being. He sat down in the armchair, simply watching Alexi as he slept. His chest was rising and falling, steady and constant in an utmost comforting manner. Janne wanted to bury his face in that chest and listen to Alexi’s heartbeat, as if to make sure that it was still there and always would be. The rather odd thought made Janne frown, not sure what to make of it all. He withdrew his eyes and went back to watching the final episodes of Sons on his computer, trying his best not to glance at Alexi every other minute.

An hour went by like that. Janne, seeing a movement out of the corner of his eye, looked up from his screen and saw that Alexi was getting up from the sofa again. “Did you sleep well?” Janne asked, studying the tired lines on the blonde’s face. How had he missed all the changes in his appearance? The starved state of his body had taken a toll on his face as well. There was no fat left to stretch out the wrinkles.

“Yeah, yeah,” Alexi replied and fished his phone out of his pocket, curious about what hour it was. He whistled and said: “It’s late, dude. I think I need a drink” and then yawned, covering his mouth with one hand. “You know, just to wake me up a bit more.”

“I don’t think a drink will do the trick, Allu,” Janne said and received a grim look from the vocalist. “Wanna hand me that drink in a baby bottle or what?” The dark-haired man simply rolled his eyes at that, not at all taking his friend seriously.

“It’s only midday,” Janne argued weakly, to which Alexi replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

Suddenly a phone started vibrating from the kitchen, forcing Janne out of his comfortable armchair. Alexi had a smug look on his face, and Janne knew he’d smuggled the bottle of Jack with him. He’d known that the bottle would win in the end.

When he looked at his phone, he didn’t recognise the number. While he usually didn’t answer to unfamiliar or odd numbers, he had a gut feeling that this was somewhat important.

“Hello?” he said and was relieved when he heard the person say: “hi, it’s Anna Laiho. Is this Janne?”

“It sure is, Anna. Were you wondering about some-“

“Janne, please tell me you know where Alexi is? I’ve been trying to get in touch for days and days. Mum and dad are worried sick about him.”

This new piece of information was unstartling. “What? I thought he’d be staying with your parents-“

“No-no-no,” she said and sounded as if on the verge to despair. “I-I went to his house, but…”

“I know. He’s here, safe and sound,” Janne said and did his best to sound reassuring. Anna was a sweet woman, unfortunately ill-equipped when it came to her nerves and her patience, and especially in any case connected to her baby brother. “What?” she asked and sounded surprised, which wasn’t surprising. “I’ll hand him the phone,” Janne informed her and felt a bit bad for Alexi, knowing Anna wouldn’t be merciful.

When Janne passed him the phone, mouthing “Anna” to him, Alexi could only groan and take a big sip out of the bottle, hoping it would provide him with some bravery.

* * *

Anna Laiho was a tiny woman with fierce eyes and a voice that could cut through marrow and bone when angry, something both Alexi and Janne were overly familiar with. Now she was seated in Janne’s sofa, and she absolutely did not look pleased.

“You,” she hissed at Alexi. He tried not to flinch at her tone of voice, but he failed miserably, earning Janne’s most sincere look of sympathy. “I really cannot believe any of this. Do you have any idea how worried mum has been? She went to your house-“

“Oh, man,” Alexi whispered, his eyes wide with terror. “How did she react to… to that?”

“How do you think she reacted, smartass?”

“Shit.”

“And what about Janne? You told him you’ve been staying with mum and dad.” Her eyes were glowing with anger and annoyance, but they were starting to get glossy, almost welling up with tears. Alexi felt guilty about this, and he had never wanted to lie, but there hadn’t been a way around it.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” he whispered and folded his hands in his lap, obviously anxious about the situation. Janne wanted to say something, and that it didn’t matter if Alexi had lied, but it kind of did matter, and he felt like an intruder between the two siblings, even if his presence had a soothing effect on both of them. “It’s fine, Allu,” Janne whispered in what he hoped to be a reassuring way. The blonde’s eyes wouldn’t meet his though, and Janne knew he was ashamed.  

Anna had to take a deep breath to calm down a bit. She gave her brother a reproachful look, but Janne could see through her though façade. She was just as worried about Alexi and his well-being as Janne himself was.

“You need to grow up, Alexi,” she said and the shorter man simply nodded his head in agreement, because what else was there to do? “I know this breakup must have been difficult to handle, especially when you haven’t talked to anyone about it… I hope you know that I’m here for you and I always will be, Alexi…”

Her lower lip started quavering dangerously then, causing the guitarist to panic.

“Don’t cry,” he said and sounded absolutely desperate. “Please, please don’t cry, Anna.”

The tiny woman pulled herself together and then smiled weakly, as if to confirm that she wouldn’t cry, knowing it would’ve made Alexi feel even worse. Her tears had always scared the living shit out of him.

Anna rose from her seat and straightened her jacket, almost as if to signal that she was about leave.

“Give mum and dad a call, will you? I need to get back to the kids. I hope you’ll reconsider about Christmas Eve, but as long as you are here with Janne… I’m not going to worry about it, I promise.”

Alexi smiled back at her. “Thanks,” he whispered. “And I’m really sorry about having messed up so badly. I’ll try not to do it again. Janne here has been feeding me with a baby spoon-“

“He better,” Anna said and gave Janne a look of approval. It warmed his heart quite a bit.


	4. Christmas Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is my Christmas gift for u guys :)

A few years ago, Janne had for some incomprehensible reason purchased an artificial Christmas tree, and yes, he had been incredibly drunk at the time of the said purchase. The tree was perhaps one of the ugliest things he had ever seen, but he found that it had its charm regardless of its less than attractive exterior. And so he had forced Alexi to help him put it together, and they now stood admiring their handiwork.

“Wow,” Alexi said, raking his fingers through his hair and wrinkling his nose. “Where the fuck did you get that thing? It’s like, crooked.”

“Aw, don’t be so hard on the old lady. She’s got great personality.”

The vocalist raised a brow. “I see.”

“Here. A beer for your all your hard labour,” Janne said and held out a beer in front of Alexi’s face, his carrot, and the vocalist grabbed it and smiled, obviously pleased. “And just like that, the spirit of Christmas fell over the Wirman household.”

The keyboardist didn’t respond to the statement, he simply took his seat on the sofa and turned on the television. “I think the delivery people will be here with our order any minute now,” he said and gave a happy sigh as he sank further into the comfortable cushions. “And it will undoubtedly be a lot better than my sister’s Christmas dinner.” Alexi snickered at the comment. “She’s one heck of a lady, Janne, but not all women were intended to be great cooks.”

“Amen,” Janne said and patted the empty spot on the sofa next to him. “I’m not a cat,” the blonde said, taking his seat next to Janne. “No? But you’re so cute and… furry!” Janne said and touched a lock of Alexi’s unkempt hair. The roots had grown dark, but he wouldn’t be bothered to see a hairdresser anytime soon.

Alexi didn’t reply to the comment. He just looked at his best friend, his eyes big and somewhat confused. Only when the doorbell rang did Janne realise his hand was still toying with Alexi’s hair. Upon realising this, he was quick to withdraw his hand, trying to make it seem as if it hadn’t been awkward, but his red cheeks didn’t exactly work in his advantage.

“Are you gonna open the door or what?”

“… Yes, yes, of course.”

Janne swallowed the hard lump that had taken shape in his throat, feeling it glide down his gullet like an ice cube and then settling in his guts with unease. He opened the door and paid for their Christmas dinner, feeling very uncomfortable about the situation that he had created. Alexi really didn’t deserve this crap from him right now.

 

<p> </p><hr />

<p> </p>

All the delicious food had been devoured. Alexi had been overjoyed upon opening his gift, loving the idea of a chocolate skull, something he had never heard of before. But when Janne had headed for the bathroom after a few beers too many, Alexi had regarded the skull with sadness burning in his eyes, a sadness Janne was oblivious to.

Alexi had gifted Janne with some rare LPs he had been talking about a while ago, quite expensive ones that were hard to get by, and Janne had been kind of blown away that Alexi had gotten his hands on them. But then again, he was Alexi Laiho. Had he posted something about it on Twitter, their diehard fans would have begged him to relieve them of their copies.

When Janne re-entered the room, Alexi was watching the television with mild interest, though Janne could tell that his mind was elsewhere, occupied with god knows what.

“Blues Brothers is on Netflix,” Janne hinted. The blonde started laughing, but nodded his head in direction of the computer. “Let’s get it on then, shall we.”

When they were about forty minutes into the movie, Alexi’s eyelids started drooping. He was obviously drowsy from the celebration, though it had hardly been a proper Christmas. Even so, Janne couldn’t remember the last time he had enjoyed Christmas Eve so much. Celebrating with Alexi had simply felt right.

Janne didn’t push Alexi away when he slumped against his shoulder, dozing off. When the blonde’s breathing slowed and he was definitely asleep, Janne removed himself from the sofa and then stood quietly by television for a few minutes, simply watching the sleeping man.

He went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. As he put a generous amount of toothpaste on his toothbrush, Janne noticed Alexi’s bag in the corner next to the sink. It had fallen over and some of its contents had fallen out and onto the tiles, and among these objects were a bottle of pills that had huge warning labels on it. A line appeared between his brows as he leaned down and studied the bottle. He then decided that it wasn’t meant for his eyes, and he put all of Alexi’s belongings back where they belonged.

When he went back into the living room to turn off the lights, his eyes were once again drawn to Alexi. He realised that the pills must have been for his back issues. The pain must have become quite bad. It might also explain some of the shit that was going on with him.

With this in mind, Janne decided that Alexi shouldn’t be sleeping on the sofa, and he scooped him up into his arms, carrying him towards the bedroom.

“…What the fuck, dude,” Alexi murmured, confused that he was being carried. “Shhh,” Janne whispered and put him down onto the bed, attempting to be as gentle as possible.

“Janne?” Alexi asked and blinked, causing Janne to curse himself, not having wanted to argue about the sleeping arrangements. “Why am I in your bed?”

“I saw the painkillers, they had fallen out of your bag,” Janne explained with caution written all over his features. He didn’t want to alarm the blonde. It wasn’t very successful, and Alexi sat up in bed and stared intensely into Janne’s eyes. “You saw the painkillers?” he said and sounded annoyed. “And then it seemed logical to carry me here?”

“I want you to be comfortable.”

“What, before the grim reaper gets to me?”

“No-no, I…” Janne paused himself, considering Alexi’s comment for a brief moment. “What do you mean?” he asked, feeling that all too familiar lump in his belly acting up again. The guitarist wore a wide-eyed expression on his face, as if he had just admitted to a horrible misdeed without realising it, and he turned to the night table and turned the lamp on. He needed to see Janne’s face.

“Look,” Alexi whispered and then closed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. “For fuck’s sake, Janne!” he then exclaimed, his voice frustrated and somewhat fearful. “I can’t just blurt it out like this. I… this isn’t right. This isn’t fucking right!”

Alexi more or less jumped out of bed and ran out the main door, leaving a very puzzled Janne behind. All he could think about was what the fuck had only just happened, and should he follow? Should he run after him? But Janne knew that Alexi, with his temper, needed some time to cool down. And at that point, Janne needed to get some sleep, because what the fuck?


	5. Drunk

Alexi had been attacking the walls again. He had battered his clenched fists against cool concrete walls, and he had screamed until there were no swearwords left in him. When that had been done, he had sobbed until all his tears had been shed and the sleeves of his sweater were stained by snot. Only then did he realise he was standing on the edge, simply waiting for the black depths to take a hold of his body and mind, and he had staggered back onto his legs and wobbled back to the apartment – his own apartment.

When night had been transformed into day, Alexi felt the familiar ache in the back of his skull, and he wished it could’ve been a hangover instead. He would’ve paid all his money if it could’ve just given him a plain hangover sickness instead of the truth that was too ugly to be set free. It was about in that moment that there was a knock on the door. Alexi, expecting Janne, simply walked over to the door and opened it. He was surprised.

“You have to come with us right now,” Henkka said, his normally boyish face set in a grim expression. “Janne told us all about it,” Jaska continued. He looked more worried than anything, and Alexi felt like all the air had been squeezed out of him. How could Janne have told them? It hurt.

Alexi followed his mates, though reluctantly so, and the guys looked as if they were going to a funeral or something, so stern and cold in their demeanour.

“Where are we going?” Alexi asked as he got into the backseat, only to find that Janne was sitting next to him.

“What d’you think? We’re gonna get drunk out of our fucking minds, of course,” Jaska said and Alexi felt even more confused than he had before, and that was pretty damn confused.

“Wait, why?”

Henkka rolled his eyes at the question, but an amused smile was toying on his lips. “Janne told us all about the breakup. What do we do after a breakup, Allu?”

The guitarist couldn’t help but to smile back. “We get pissed.”

 

* * *

 

When Alexi was so drunk he couldn’t stand upright under his own steam, Janne had told the other two men that he’d tend to him for the rest of the night. Henkka had given Alexi a very alcohol induced hug that otherwise would have come across as somewhat of an odd gesture, and then Janne had hailed a taxi for the two of them, almost forcefully shoving Alexi into the backseat, earning a uncharacteristic whining noise from the blonde.

Alexi then leaned back into the taxi's lumpy seat and gave Janne a reassuring smile, as if to say that it was all good again. The dark-haired man gave the cabbie his address and after a ten minute drive, paid the man a bountiful amount of money, always charitable when under the influence.

The drunken guitarist had to lean against Janne for support; his feet not nearly steady enough for him to be able to walk up the stairs on his own.

“Vittu,” Janne muttered as he attempted to find his key, fumbling helplessly for them in his hip pocket, which was difficult due to, well, Alexi. The shorter man realised this and quite casually fished out the key from Janne’s pocket, causing the taller man’s cheeks to turn pink. “Uh, here,” Alexi said and then began giggling, which soon turned into a full out laugh. “You’re neat, Janne.”

Janne didn’t even want to try and decipher Alexi’s behaviour or comments at that point, knowing he’d been pouring alcohol down his throat as if it had been water.

“Let’s get you to the sofa, eh?” he said, causing Alexi to whine once more. “No-no-no… you! You, Janne, said that- that I could sleep in the bed!”

“Jeez, Allu, how much did you drink?”

“A thimble. Or two.”

The keyboardist decided not to ask him any more questions, but helped him stagger towards the bedroom. He had been afraid to bring that up again, but it didn’t seem like a problem to Alexi now that he was so wasted.

When they reached the bed, Janne was about to lower the thinner man onto the bed, but the blonde wanted things differently, and he pulled Janne down with him, causing him to land rather unpleasantly on top of the smaller Finn, almost crushing him.

“Shit,” he muttered and rolled over to the right side of the bed, taking a deep breath before turning his head to face Alexi once more. Their eyes met and, even if the room was very dark, Janne could see something lively and childish in the other man’s eyes. He had missed that look of mischievous innocence.

“Janne,” Alexi whispered in a very melodramatic voice. “Janne,” he then sighed and then positioned himself so that his head was resting against Janne’s shoulder. The brown-eyed man’s heart swelled at the gesture.

When a few minutes had gone by, he was fairly certain that the shorter one had fallen asleep, and he let himself be embraced by the dark night, sensing that he’d sleep well. But this sensation wasn’t long-lived. He felt as if someone was staring at him, something that kind of unsettled him, prying his eyelids open.

“Allu…” he said, and he frowned a bit, as if taken by surprise.

“D’you remember…” Alexi began and a rather lovely smile blossomed on his face. “D’you remember when you first joined the band?” The sleepy Finn didn’t reply to the question, not sure where Alexi was going with it. “You were such a dorky twat back then. Oh, man,” Alexi said and he started giggling again. He was fond of dorky Janne, even if most of him was a thing of the past now.

“Yeah, well,” Janne said and tried his best to sound annoyed, but he was more fascinated than anything else. He was fascinated with the man next to him, and he felt like crying because he hadn’t seen this Alexi in a very long time, and now he was pissed and that was the only reason for this behaviour. But Janne had missed him so fucking much, it fucking hurt.

Alexi drew his lower lip between his teeth, a pensive look on his face. “You know,” he said and once again paused, his voice dripping with nostalgic emotions. “I thought you were so goddamn perfect, even back then. Even when you had to ask…” Alexi stopped himself midsentence, another smile touching his lips. “You asked me who the hell Nocturno Culto is.”

“Like you know shit about jazz,” Janne said and then rolled his eyes. Even so, the conversation was amusing to him, and he felt just as nostalgic about those days as Alexi did. “No, but I’m not in a jazz band, am I,” Alexi teased and then stuck his tongue out at him.

“Hold on… did you just call me goddamn perfect?” Janne asked and frowned, wondering how drunk he was.

Alexi regarded him with sincere eyes, and he smiled a very secretive smile that Janne was afraid to interpret. “I broke up with her, you know.”

“She said so, yes.”

“And I’m a free man,” the blonde murmured and the childish gleam in his eyes disappeared, like a candle that had been blown out. “But I can’t do this to you. Not now.”

For the umpteenth time that day, Janne frowned. “You can’t do what to me?”

Alexi’s features were clouded by sadness, and he averted his eyes, swallowing thickly. Janne was once again asking himself what was happening to his best friend.

“This,” the shorter man whispered, and he pressed a kiss against Janne’s lips, taking him entirely by surprise. “I can’t do this to you,” he said when he had pulled back again. All Janne could do was stare at the blonde, completely dumbfounded by what had just occurred. Or had it even happened? Janne couldn’t decide.

Alexi closed his eyes then, and sleep claimed him within seconds. Janne just stared at him for what felt like hours before he could force himself to sleep, though it wasn’t a blissful sleep, his mind tormenting him.


	6. Blackness

When Janne woke up the next morning, the space next to him in the bed was unoccupied, and Alexi wasn’t anywhere in the bedroom. For some reason, Janne was kind of thankful for that, wanting nothing more than to sort this shit through. He needed some time to himself to think and to come up with some kind of a solution.

The silence was broken by the unmistakable sound of someone retching quite violently, and Janne realised exactly how drunk Alexi must have been the other night.

“Allu?” he said and knocked on the bathroom door. “Are you okay?”

The blonde didn’t reply to that, though Janne could once again hear the sound of him retching. He probably hadn’t been eating much yesterday, something that had led to this unfortunate situation. Besides, Alexi had become a lot more careful with alcohol and his stamina probably wasn’t as great as it once had been.

After about twenty minutes, Alexi returned from the bathroom. To say that he didn’t look great would’ve been a major understatement.

“You look like death,” Janne pointed out, causing the shorter Finn to growl. “And have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?”

“No, seriously,” Janne said, his eyes wide as he studied his friend’s face. His skin wasn’t just pale, it was ashen. The constant dark circles under his eyes now resembled bruises. “You look like…. you look like you’re really, really sick, dude.”

The dark-haired man was waiting for the other one to protest, to say that he was completely fine apart from the breakup, and that Janne shouldn’t worry about stupid things. But Alexi didn’t say anything; he only pressed his lips together into a firm line and then averted his eyes, focusing on the whiteness of the wall.

“…Allu?”

“Where did you put my bag?”

“It’s in the bedroom, on top of the dresser.”

Alexi nodded and started walking towards Janne’s bedroom. “You’re not running off again, are you?” the taller man asked, following Alexi into the bedroom. He had taken notice of the blonde’s sore knuckles, and he wasn’t unaware of what had transpired after he had left the flat the other night.

“No,” Alexi huffed, reaching for his bag. He started going through it, obviously searching for something, and when he found it, he had to take a deep breath before he turned to face Janne again.

“These aren’t for my back,” Alexi admitted. He was holding up the bottle of pills, the one with the red warning label on it. “I have to take them or else… well, or else this happens. I get a really bad headache, and then I start puking my guts out. It’s not pretty, but as long as I take these, it’s fine.”

Janne stared at the tiny bottle, confusion burning in his eyes. “Are you… are you okay?” he finally asked, not really sure what else to say. The world suddenly felt like a much scarier place to live in, and he started picturing horrible scenarios in his head where Alexi, his best friend and pseudo brother, was being devoured by a sea of the flames of hell. Terror had taken over his face at that point, and he was really beginning to feel dizzy.

“Look, Janne,” Alexi said and smiled weakly, attempting to calm the other man down. “You really shouldn’t worry so much about me. It’s flattering and all, but-“

“Are you fucking stupid?” Janne asked, his voice calm in a way that meant that he was anything but calm. “Do you have any idea what this all looks like? You’re not… you’re not yourself.” There was a brief pause before he came with his final blow: “This all reminds me of what happened back in 97.”

The blonde crossed his arms over his chest, looking unimpressed. “I’m not suicidal, Janne.”

Janne stared at Alexi for the longest time, then narrowing his eyes. “Whatever is going on with you, I sure hope you’ll be bothered to tell me about it. I love you big time, and you holding things back like this… it’s killing me, Allu. I don’t know what else to say.”

Alexi stared at Janne for a very long time then, his blue eyes expressing sadness beyond what his words could explain, and he didn’t really know how to respond anymore. He felt helpless.

“I need to, uh,” he said and ran his fingers through his hair, displaying his frustration. “I need to take one of these with some water.” Janne nodded, more or less glaring at the bottle, not able to aim his anger towards Alexi. And just like that, Alexi fled from the room, leaving Janne to himself. He couldn’t remember when he had last felt so lonely or so scared, not knowing what the fuck was going on.

 

* * *

 

 

When a couple of awkward hours had passed, Alexi announced that he needed to fetch a few things from the house, and Janne had freaked out when Alexi had been set on driving there by himself.

“Have you seen those flashy red letters and symbols on that bottle? You are in no condition to be driving a car.”

The blonde couldn’t be bothered to argue about it, already tired of the strange atmosphere that filled the air between them. He knew that it was his fault, and that hurt him tremendously. It hurt him to know that he was inflicting emotional pain on Janne, even if it wasn’t intentional. But the truth would hurt him more, and Alexi was clinging onto a few more weeks of normalcy. It was all he had left to fight for.

Janne started up the car, and they drove off in the direction of Eliina’s house. None of them spoke as much as a single word on the way, and when they finally arrived, they were shocked to find that all of Alexi’s belongings, even his clothes and vast LP collection, had been placed in the driveway. The pile of cardboard boxes had obviously been left standing there for a few days, a thick layer of fresh snow covering some of them.

“What a crazy fucking bitch,” Janne said after a long moment of draughty thoughts flickering through their minds. “… No shit,” Alexi muttered. His eyes were wide as he stared at the pyramid that held all of his earthly possessions, all the shit that he loved, and some of it had gone completely to waste.

“Your guitar, dude.”

“Wow,” Alexi said and then leaned his weight against the car, his head spinning.

“That’s harsh,” Janne said and put his hand on the blonde’s shoulder, squeezing it in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. “Even for her.”

Alexi moved his gaze to the big window that gave him a good view of the living room. Eliina was standing there with her hands on her hips, and there was a grim look on her face, one he hadn’t seen before. It was malicious in a way that sent shivers down his spine.

“Fuck you,” he mouthed and then extended his middle finger towards her. She responded by pulling the blinds down, and no words were really needed.

 

* * *

 

 

When they had finally managed to get most of Alexi’s stuff to the empty apartment, Janne had nearly collapsed on the sofa, spent from the long day. He had felt sorry for himself, but when his gaze landed on the vocalist, he felt more blessed than sorry. Alexi was so tired and haggard looking, it hurt Janne to see him that way. And he couldn’t help but to wonder. Had Janne’s ex pulled that kind of crap on him, he would’ve flipped out. Alexi had been aggressive at first, but then he had just kind of stopped caring, his face going blank. It was unnerving.

“You know,” the blonde said, breaking the silence. “She isn’t actually a horrible human being, just crazily stupid. And I guess I hurt her pretty badly, so now we’re even.”

The keyboardist snorted. “Don’t rationalise. She’s a she-devil and that’s all there is to it. Normal people don’t do these things, I mean… jeez.”

Alexi shrugged and then searched his pocket for something. When he presented a cigarette to Janne, all he could do was nod his head and they went out on the balcony, watching the city with dull eyes.

“About last night…” Alexi made a motion as if to speak, and then faltered, as if unsure of what to say next. The dark-haired man felt a bit surprised that Alexi was bringing it up, completely unprovoked by Janne, and he didn’t push for him to continue his words. When Alexi had finished his cigarette, leaving it to die out in the ashtray on the tiny table, he said: “I was being honest.”

Janne gave him a questioning look, one that the other man was quick to dismiss. “Don’t be stupid, Janne. I know… I know how you used to look at me.” The corner of Alexi’s mouth quirked up, and his eyes sparkled beautifully. “And I know how I used to look at you. But you were too innocent to see it, and you still are. I love that about you, you know?”

The brown-eyed man started coughing, choking on the questions that were dancing on the tip of his tongue, and he gave Alexi a long look, his eyes searching the slightly older man’s face for answers. “… I,” was all he managed to press through his lips. It felt as if they had been sewn shut.

“I love you too, Janne,” Alexi smiled, and his smile warmed Janne’s heart. Without another word said, Janne put his arm around Alexi and pulled him closer. They stood like that for a while, watching the night sky and feeling lucky, in spite of all the previous incidents. And when they lost interest in the stars and in the moon, the shorter man slammed his lips forcefully against Janne’s, knocking all the wind from his lungs.

Alexi’s tongue pressed against the seam of Janne’s lips, prompting him to let him inside. And Janne did just that, without any hesitation. There wasn’t time to think twice about it, there was only time to feel and sense and grasp at all things that were Alexi. The taste of him – cigarettes and something that was oddly familiar to him – the taste that was Alexi and Alexi alone. It filled him and it fulfilled him.

“Allu,” he breathed, burying his hands in the blonde man’s hair.

Realisation dawned on Alexi’s face then, and fear welled up in him, causing him to pull back from the comfort of the other man’s arms.

“Fuck,” he whispered, eyes resting on the wall rather than Janne’s eyes. “I can’t… I can’t do this. Not to you.”

Janne sighed, his face laced with frustration. “Whatever it is you’re trying to avoid doing, you’re already doing it to me, and you’ve been doing it for years and… for decades. You’ve been doing it for nearly two decades, Allu.”

The shorter Finn squeezed his eyes shut. “And I’m so fucking sorry, Janne. I-“

“No!” Janne shouted, pushing Alexi away. “That’s not good enough, okay? I-I can’t keep on doing this either, and it’s so fucking stupid. Why do you have to make it so goddamn complicated? You either want to be honest with me or not…” There was a pause and a pensive look on his face. “You either want me or not.”

A tear ran down Janne’s cheek then, causing Alexi’s heart to sink down to his boots. He had never, in all the years he had known Janne, seen him shed tears. Not even when his father had passed away.

The guitarist had to close his eyes for a slight moment of hesitation, but he knew there was no way around this.

“I’ve got a brain tumour,” he admitted and bit the inside of his cheek so hard he could taste the blood. “I have less than a year left, Janne. That’s why I don’t want to do that to you… I want you to be able to be happy when I’m… when I’m not here anymore.”

The two of them stared into each other’s eyes – warm brown against icy blue.

“I… I don’t…”

“…Janne?”

There was suddenly a hurricane inside of Janne’s mind. He tried to say something, but he only received an odd look from the blonde man. His sentences were fragmented, his words crowded together and other words missing altogether. He could tell that Alexi’s lips were moving, but there were no sounds attached to the movements. And then all the air was sucked from his lungs and he was heaving. He was having a full-blown panic attack, and he felt as if he was going to die.

And then everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I've been a bit slow to post chapters lately D: I'm writing a Burzum/Mayhem story next to this and... well, I'm keeping busy x) 
> 
> Thanks for being patient! I hope you enjoyed the chapter :)


	7. Revelation

Janne sat on the sofa with a blanket thrown over his shoulders, eating a bowl of cereal. The blonde was seated in the armchair, watching Janne as he was eating. There was a worried frown plastered onto his face.

“Are you feeling any better?”

The brunette just glared at Alexi, not really able to voice his frustration. His thoughts were so tangled into each other, speaking wasn’t easy. The shorter man knew the feeling, having suffered from anxiety earlier in his life, and while he knew that Janne’s anxiety had been triggered by the bluntness of his confession, he was still somewhat afraid that it’d affect him in the long run. He didn’t want Janne to become depressed.

Alexi cleared his throat, receiving another dirty look from Janne.

“Look… I know you’re pissed,” he said after a moment and averted his eyes, not able to look the other man in the eyes. “You have every right to be. But I…” Alexi sighed, obviously very frustrated with himself. “I just wanted some normalcy, you know? Once this gets out… I need these last few weeks.”

Janne’s forehead creased, and he folded his hand in front of his face, leaning his elbows on his knees. “I… I don’t… I don’t follow.”

The brunette heard the words, but it all sounded so farfetched. None of it could be real, and Alexi was just kidding with him, right? Because none of it made sense.

Alexi squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, not able to explain what was going on. When he opened his eyes again, he could see that Janne’s face was red and his cheeks were wet from tears. It broke his heart on so many levels, and he had to reach his hand out, taking Janne’s hand in his own to comfort him.

“Hey,” he whispered. “D’you wanna watch some television instead?”

The brunette frowned at the question; his expression was that of bewilderment. “No… no! I don’t understand any of this, Allu,” he said and squeezed his hand even harder. “Why… can’t they like, operate on it? Or put you on chemotherapy?”

“I refused,” Alexi said, his eyes large and glassy. The brown-eyed man looked genuinely confused. “Why?”

“I don’t want to go like that,” he said and then laughed a mirthless laugh. “It would have added a few months to my life, bound to a hospital bed, hairless and unable to take a dump by myself. No, I… just no.”

Janne nodded his head at that, but he said nothing. There wasn’t much to be said.

 

* * *

 

When Janne’s father had passed away, Janne had developed some sleeping issues, and he had suffered from insomnia for a few months. He had received some sleeping pills from his doctor back then, and he had taken one that morning, not wanting to deal with the situation. He just wanted to sleep until everything was good again, and that was what he attempted to do.

When he woke up again that evening, still groggy from the pills, Alexi had been sitting next to him with a notebook in his hands, writing song lyrics.

“Allu?” he croaked, earning a curious look from Alexi. “Hey. How are you feeling?”

“Beaten,” the brunette replied before yawning. Alexi stared at him, worry clouding his features.

“Look, Janne… can we talk this shit through?”

“Do you have any answers for me?”

Janne’s words sounded way harsher than he had intended for them to do, but the sleeping pills had a tendency to make him grumpy, which he probably would’ve been regardless of the pills.

“I… I’ve been thinking about this nonstop all day long, and shit… I’ve really messed things up here. You and me… it’s the most important thing in my life right now. “

They looked at each other, Janne’s sleepy eyes now red and confused, but he refused to cry again. “What do you think should happen here?” he whispered, his voice so low Alexi almost couldn’t hear his question, but he had heard it. The look on the keyboardist’s face was sincere and open, it almost frightened the blonde. A thousand thoughts were flickering through his mind at once.

“I think… I think that I-“

He paused for a moment, realising that he needed to answer with caution. It wasn’t something he was good at.

“I love you, Janne. I love you in a way I haven’t loved anyone before, and I- I can’t even begin to picture my life without you. It’s why I broke up with… I realised that I was just using her, y’know? Because you and me, we’re… we’re soulmates. We’re fucking soulmates, and I need you, Janne. I need you so fucking much.”

The whole atmosphere of the room changed, the air between them charged with emotions and with the want, the need and the love that they both felt, and they both knew it.

“Shit, dude,” Alexi suddenly whispered, interfering with the magic of the moment. “I’m so, so very sorry about all this crap. I’m making you sick-“

“Shut up,” the brunette said and rolled his eyes at Alexi’s groundless despair. “If anything is the matter here, it isn’t that.”

They were once again silent, processing everything that was going on, or attempting to. It was difficult to understand the upheavals that were in motion. But even so, the realisation that Alexi not only loved him, but needed him, it was euphoric.

“Janne?” the blonde asked after a few minutes. There was a strange gleam in his eyes Janne hadn’t seen before, and it made his smile in spite of his teary eyes.

“Yeah?”

“Can I… fuck, dude,” he said and laughed nervously. “Can I kiss you?”

Janne blinked. “Do you really need to ask?”

The guitarist smiled warmly at the reply, and he took Janne’s sleepy face into his hands and kissed him so sweetly and so carefully that Janne couldn’t understand that this was really Alexi. He melted into the kiss, so blissfully happy, and yet so completely and utterly heartbroken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your lovely comments :) I appreciate it!


	8. New Year's Eve

Tomorrow would be the beginning of yet another year. Janne wanted to say that it would mark the beginning of a new year that would be like any other year, but that wasn’t true. Even so, he wanted to believe in it. And it was so easy to believe that everything was back to normal when Alexi was yet again the centre of the room, playing guitar and adding the final touches to yet another song. This had been Janne’s life for so many years, and he couldn’t begin to understand how that undeniable truth could possibly just cease to be.

He couldn’t understand how Alexi could cease to be.

“You look like you’ve just choked on a fly,” the guitarist remarked. He was attempting to be funny, but it felt forced. All of this caused Janne to sigh, because what else was there to do?

“I like this scene,” he then said, because it was true. “Watching you work on a song and all. It’s… comforting.”

That made the guitarist smile, though only a faint smile. “You’re so sappy, Janne.”

When that had been said, Alexi went back to his music, and Janne decided that he needed to take a shower. They were going to Jaska’s house later on for some half-fancy food and lots and lots of vodka and whatnot. In spite of celebrating New Year’s Eve in a very informal setting, Janne wanted to look as decent as possible. He wanted the memory to be immaculate.

“I’m taking a shower now,” Janne announced. “And then you’re taking one.”

“Hmm,” was all the blonde had to say in response. The dark-haired man rolled his eyes, but he smiled nonetheless, happy that there was some normalcy left in their lives.

“Oh,” he said, almost having forgotten something. “I bought you a new shirt as well. You’ll be wearing it.”

That utterance made the blue-eyed Finn look up, an amused expression on his face, and he said: “if the lady says so. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, eh?”

 

* * *

 

 

They were in the car and on their way to Jaska’s place. Alexi was more absentminded than usual, but at least he looked more than just respectable in that shirt. He was handsome in that shirt. Janne had also managed to talk him into dying his roots blonde, and now he looked less tired and more like his usual self again, which had a positive effect on the keyboardist, feeling somewhat relived.

But Alexi was still dying. The thought was constantly there, even when those lively eyes looked at him, or when they kissed, or when they laughed. It was consuming both of them.

“Hush,” the blonde man said, his eyes regarding the darkened world as it flashed by. “Hm?”

“Your thoughts are so loud.”

The brunette gave his bandmate a half-glare, but he didn’t want to argue, especially when they were parked in Jaska’s driveway.  

“We’re here.”

Janne was about to exit the car when he felt Alexi’s hand on his own, keeping him seated for a little while longer. When their eyes met, Janne already knew what Alexi was going to say.

“Remember what we said earlier? You’re gonna have a good time. And don’t… don’t think about it, okay?”

It was impossible not to think about it.

“Yeah,” Janne complied. “I know.”

“D’you wanna… share the good news?” Alexi asked after a long moment of silence. There was a tension in the air that wasn’t just bad. The question made the taller one blush, and he felt rather ridiculous. Even so, he couldn’t keep his hands to himself, and he reached out for Alexi’s hand and entwined their fingers, allowing the comfort of his warmth to reach his heart.

“You want to tell them?”

“Why wouldn’t I want to tell them? I love those motherfuckers,” Alexi said and rolled his eyes. “Besides, I think it’s fairly obvious that we’re not just, y’know, friendly.”

“I know,” the dark-haired one agreed and then leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Alexi’s lips, feeling butterflies in his stomach. It was silly as fuck, but he loved every minute of it. He loved being close to Alexi, he loved it more than music even.

“Let’s go then,” the shorter one said. The smile on his face was so genuine it almost hurt, and Janne had to smile back. “Yeah, let’s go give those motherfuckers the surprise of their lifetime.”

 

* * *

 

When Janne and Alexi had walked into Jaska’s house, they had not only been holding hands, but their fingers had been interlaced. One simply couldn’t mistake the nature of their relationship.

Jaska, being the host, had opened the door for them and let them in. He’d been so busy with the food and everything else that was going on in the spacious house and he had therefore managed to miss the display of affection. But as they had stood in the hallway chatting away about random everyday stuff, Janne had been so reckless as to help Alexi in removing his leatherjacket, which stole the attention of their host.

“Uh,” Jaska hesitated. The look of confusion on his face was very real, and Janne struggled not to laugh. “Are you alright?” the larger man asked, his question aimed at the vocalist. Alexi frowned deeply at the inquiry. “Why d’you ask?”

“Well… Janne was helping you with your jacket?”

Alexi shrugged. “So what?” And then he took a hold of Janne’s hand again. The two of them strolled lazily towards the living room, leaving a very puzzled Jaska behind.

“What the…” he muttered to himself, wondering what the two of them were up to.

Henkka was in the living room, having arrived early to help Jaska with everything. He had been a little bit annoyed because he had only recently started dating a girl and things were getting serious, but the band had a no female policy when they celebrated New Year’s Eve. Well, that policy applied to most celebrations, actually.

“Hey!” he exclaimed, as happily as always, which was common for him. Even when he was actually kind of pissed off about something, he managed to smile and stay positive. Alexi had always found that to be a very fascinating personality trait, probably because it was so different from his own personality.

“Hey, dude,” he greeted the younger man, giving him a proper bro hug. “You good?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m always good,” Henkka said, rolling his eyes at the formalities. “So what’s your deal? You never answer my texts anymore.”

“Well, we’ve been kinda busy,” Janne interjected, but his eyes were drawn to Alexi, not Henkka. The bassist frowned and was about to ask what the hell that was supposed to mean, but then his eyes landed on their interlaced hands…

“You two make an odd couple,” he joked, though his voice sounded insecure, like he wasn’t sure whether to take his observation seriously or not. Janne felt a flush creeping up his face. Alexi, sensing that the comment had made him nervous, squeezed his hand reassuringly. “Yeah, well,” Janne said, his face red. Henkka looked even more bewildered at the other man’s reaction, and he didn’t know what to say about it.

Alexi cleared his throat, securing the younger man’s attention.

“So, Janne and I,” he said and then turned to look at him. “We’re… well, we’re dating.”

“We’re not dating,” Janne objected, earning an odd look from Alexi. “We’re… together,” he corrected and shot the blonde an ugly look. Henkka looked completely flabbergasted. “Uh…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Alexi said and had to work hard not to roll his eyes at his… boyfriend? “We’re an item, that’s what we’re so clumsily trying to explain here.”

All eyes were suddenly on Henkka. Alexi and Janne were waiting for him to say something, but the bassist didn’t know how to respond to this new piece of information, his eyes huge and almost afraid. “Well, um,” he hesitated, not wanting to come across as harsh. “Is this some kind of a joke?”

“No-no,” Janne denied and then blushed. “We’re very serious.”

“Yeah, ‘cause that sounded really serious, Janne,” the blonde said and rolled his eyes. “But he’s for real. We’re for real.”

“I-“

“Dinner’s ready!”

* * *

 

Dinner had been awkward. Henkka had been so perplexed by the whole idea of Alexi and Janne being in an actual relationship, not just the silly shit they did for laughs on stage back in the good old days. In one way, it shouldn’t have surprised him on that level, but he hadn’t even considered the possibility for them to be anything but heterosexual. Not that he minded homosexuality in any way, but it was still odd for him to discover it after such a long time in a band together. Had he been blind?

“Will you pass me the salt?” Janne asked, interrupting Henkka in his thoughts. The bassist smiled and handed Janne the salt, then went back to his dinner and his sea of messy thoughts.

“What’s up with you?” Jaska asked after having attempted to start a conversation with the bassist a few times, all of them without success. Henkka’s mouth fell open. “Uh…”

Alexi rolled his eyes again, annoyed at how Henkka was handling the situation, if one could call it that. “He’s being awkward because me and Janne told him we’re dating.” Janne cleared his throat and gave Alexi a half-glare, causing him to roll his eyes yet again. “Okay, we’re not dating. Janne is my boyfriend.”

The keyboardist coughed, having nearly choked on a potato. “Boyfriend?” Jaska asked and looked like he was more than ready to choke on a potato too.

“Yes,” the blonde man replied, his tone of voice slightly aggressive. “We’re an item, a couple, boyfriend and boyfriend. Now you know.”

Janne looked like he was about to die from embarrassment.

“Well,” the drummer said, realisation dawning on his face. “That explains earlier.”

“Indeed,” Alexi said, happy to have gotten that out in the open. “Can we finish eating now? I’m impatiently waiting for the fireworks…”


	9. Bodom

It was January the first. Janne wasn’t quite sure how he’d gotten home last night, and he was even less sure of how much alcohol he had managed to drink, but judging by his pounding head, he’d say that he had consumed more than a reasonable amount. It had been a lot of fun though, especially when Henkka had started baking a cake around four o’clock in the morning.

There was a groan from the other side of the bed. Janne peeked out from under the duvet, and then wished he hadn’t. He was momentarily blinded by the sharp winter sun that was glaring at them through the window, and he silently cursed himself for not having remembered to close the blinds.

“Janne…” he heard Alexi croak from his side of the bed. “Yeah?”

“Please-please tell me you have painkillers, and please tell me I don’t have to get out of bed to get to them.”

Janne rolled his eyes at the questions. “You put two painkillers and a glass of water on the night table next to you before we went to bed.”

“… Oh.”

The taller Finn rolled over so that he was facing the blonde whose eyes were closed and forehead wrinkled together in a peculiar grimace. His heart melted without any good reason at all, and he placed a tender kiss on Alexi’s head, feeling happy in spite of his hangover.

“Mm,” Alexi purred and leaned closer. “You’re perfect,” Janne said, because he could.

“That’s cheesy.”

“Yeah, I know. But it’s allowed.”

A smile blossomed on the guitarist’s face. “Henkka last night,” he said, reminding him of the flabbergasted look on the younger man’s face. They both laughed at the memory.

“I actually thought it would be the other way around,” Janne admitted. “Yeah, I thought Henkka would be totally cool with it,” Alexi added, opening his eyes for the first time that morning. “Ugh, sunlight.”

“Take the pills, it’ll help.”

“The other one is for you,” Alexi explained and handed one of the painkillers to Janne, then sharing the glass of water between them. When that ritual had been tended to, Janne crawled in under Alexi’s duvet and sighed in contentment. As they lay there, entwined in each other’s arms, Alexi started thinking out loud.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and started stroking up and down Janne’s back. “Hmm?”

“I’m sorry it can’t be like this forever.”

“No-no-no…” Janne groaned into Alexi’s chest, heaving an annoyed sigh. “Don’t ruin it.”

The blonde didn’t say anything for a while after that. He simply enjoyed the feeling of being next to Janne in Janne’s bed, and he didn’t want to think about the bad stuff. He wished it could’ve been easy not to remember it.

“Janne… You know you can ask me anything you’d like to ask me, right?”

“I don’t want to know about the tumour,” the taller Finn whispered, sounding like a child not wanting to go to school. “It won’t change a thing.”

“I know,” Alexi said and closed his eyes, afraid that tears would soon be running down his cheeks. “But we have to make some plans about… about the future. Our future.”

“Not now,” Janne sighed and looked up from where he had hidden his face. Alexi realised that his eyes were red, and tears were lurking. “I can’t take it right this moment, Allu… I need to process that this is all for real. It doesn’t feel real.”

The blonde didn’t respond to that. He knew the feeling better than Janne did. He had spent six months trying to deny it, and it had been easy at first. The symptoms had been so insignificant back then, and they hadn’t affected him much. Things had become very different, and he was surprised he had managed to go through with the tour. But he had, and now that was a thing of the past. Alexi wasn’t going to be able to perform ever again, and the band would have to carry on without him. He didn’t want Bodom to end just because he did, even if he realised that the guys probably wouldn’t want to continue without him.

“Please don’t cry, Alexi…”

 

* * *

When Alexi had first revealed that he was dying, Janne had been completely overwhelmed. It had led to a panic attack, something that had never happened to him before. Alexi had realised it, having had some experiences with anxiety himself, and they had dealt with it. Janne had been embarrassed about it, of course, but there wasn’t much to be done about that.

“I’ve arranged a meeting with the guys,” Alexi announced, a tired smile on his lips. “They’ll be here in a few minutes.”

They had just had a chat with their manager about Alexi’s condition and about the future of the band, and Alexi had expressed his opinion on its fate. He would prefer that Children of Bodom continued without him, but he realised that such a thing would be difficult to go through with. They had known each other since they were teenagers and they never could’ve formed the same bond with a new member.

“They’ll be heartbroken,” Janne whispered. He had been crying a few times during that day, which was exhausting in the long run, and he was struggling to keep it all together. But he did everything he could for Alexi’s sake, and Alexi needed him to stay strong.

“We all are,” Alexi said and put his arms around the brunette, pulling him in for a brief make out session. It didn’t take much time before they could hear the door to the meeting room being opened.

“Allu, what’s this about?” Henkka asked the second he entered the room, walking towards the vocalist with open arms, embracing the smaller man. Alexi allowed Henkka to hug him, even if he hated being emotional, but it actually felt kind of okay after having shed so many tears. They all needed each other, now more than ever.

Jaska stood in the doorway, watching the others as they interacted. His features were clouded by sadness, even if he was still oblivious to Alexi’s condition. He could still sense it. The eerie atmosphere in the room told him that whatever news Alexi would be delivering; they would be far from good. He had to brace himself for what was coming next.

When everyone was seated at the table, Alexi took in a deep breath, attempting to calm himself down. All eyes were on him, and Janne’s hand was resting on his thigh under the table. When he felt ready to talk about the hell that was about to play itself out, he gazed up from the table and nodded his head slightly.

“I’m sorry that I’ve… Shit, I’m sorry that I’ve upset everyone in this room with my phone calls this morning, but it is unfortunately so that we need to have an emergency meeting…”

He let out a harsh breath then, taking a small pause that seemed to unnerve his friends even further.

“Janne already knows about this… Um, I don’t know if there’s a right way of telling you, so I’ll just say it… I have a brain tumour, I’ve known about it for a while now, since we started the tour, actually. They, um… Surgery isn’t an option, they can’t like, reach it, and they’d probably mess me up even more had they tried. So that’s how it is… I have about ten months left. I’ve refused to do chemotherapy because I don’t want to go like that, a hairless mess in a hospital bed… “

While he had been speaking of his illness, he hadn’t looked at any of his bandmates; he had simply been staring at the door, hoping that he could escape the confinements of the room as soon as possible. But when he turned his attention to Henkka and Jaska, he saw what he hadn’t wished to see. Silent tears were rolling down their cheeks. Janne was crying too, though trying his hardest to will away the tears, wanting to stay strong for Alexi.

“You guys don’t have to say anything,” the vocalist said, his voice breaking at the end of the sentence. “Janne and I are gonna do some traveling while I’m healthy enough to do that. We’ve got a plane on Wednesday, and we’re going to bathe in the ocean, eat shitloads of junk and…” he faltered, wrenched sobs slipping through his lips.

“We’re getting married,” Janne finished for him, squeezing his hand under the table. “We want you to come with us. We’re all brothers in this band, even if me and Allu have gotten a bit incesty,” he smiled, but he couldn’t stay strong much longer, and his body started trembling with an aching sadness. “Fuck,” he wept, biting down on his lower lip.

“… I don’t know what to say,” Jaska said and walked over to where Alexi was seated, pulling him for a hug, not sure if there was anything else to be done.

“We’ll be here for you all the way,” the drummer said and attempted on a smile, but he failed miserably, resulting in an awful grimace. It looked downright painful.

“Where will the wedding be?” Henkka asked quietly. It lightened the mood a little bit, and Alexi seemed eager to answer. “Where d’you think?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely comments :) it means a lot!
> 
>  
> 
> I'm sorry to say that it might take some time until I post another chapter... I've fallen ill and things are bit crazy at the moment. Anyway, I hope you'll be patient with me :) I'll get back to this story!


	11. Phuket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally managed to write another chapter for you lovely folks :) enjoy!

It had been a hot and humid day with sunshine powerful enough to burn unprotected skin. Janne had learned that much, having spent fifteen minutes outside of his bedroom. It had resulted in a very nice shade of pink. Needless to say, his bedroom had air-condition, something that had become a necessity over the last few days. Phuket was hotter than the flames of hell, especially when coming straight from Finland. But at least he wasn’t digging his car out from underneath a pile of snow, and that had to count for something.

“Shit, Janne, have you seen that?” Alexi asked, his gaze glued to the beautiful scene before them. The world was dark and the sky was a black canvas adorned with luminous stars. The landscape was breathtaking as well, though not visible during night-time.

“It’s nice,” Janne said, earning a grumpy stare from the shorter man. “Yeah, Janne. It’s nice.”

The brunette smiled at the comment and then bit into a forkful of the odd Thai dish he’d ordered. While he had travelled the world and had tasted some weird shit over the years, especially when he’d visited places that didn’t have an English menu, he had never developed a taste for the Asian stuff. He had never enjoyed sushi, and he thought that most of the other Asian food tasted like coconut milk with chili in it. It was a shame that they didn’t serve pizza, really, but he was careful not to mention that to Alexi.

“I meant those… look, those lantern things in the water. D’you see them?”

Janne looked in the direction that Alexi was pointing towards. He could see tiny lights coming from the surface of the water, which made him smile again. “Yeah. They’re like tiny stars in the water. It’s clever.”

“Why didn’t I ever come here before,” the blonde sighed. He had already finished his food, but only to please Janne. They were both very much aware that the guitarist had no appetite, the doctor had told them it was extremely common, especially mixed with the painkillers and other pills he had to take.

“Hey,” the dark-haired one said and reached for his hand, taking the smaller man’s hand into his own, squeezing it in a reassuring manner. “Don’t think like that. We only came here like… Shit, I don’t even remember what day it is. Is it Monday?”

“… It’s Saturday.”

“Yeah, it’s only Saturday, Allu. No worries.”

Alexi rolled his eyes at his fiancé, stating: “You’re such a dorky twat”, but he was doing his best to conceal a smile. Janne did of course see right through him.

“Aw, I love you too.”

“Shut up.”

 

* * *

 

When they came back to the beach house, everyone else had fallen asleep, the windows dark and the door locked. The two of them had their own wing with their own separate main door. The only common area consisted of two living rooms and a huge kitchen, though the kitchen had been conquered by Jaska. He was actually able to cook stuff and make it edible in the process, something the other three were happy about.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Alexi cursed, attempting to locate the whereabouts of their key. “Why did you give me the key?”

“Yeah… I’m kinda wondering about that as well.”

The guitarist’s eyes bored into him, but he said nothing, and Janne was both relieved and amused when he heard the rattling of the keychain.

Once they were inside, Alexi almost ran to the minibar in dire need of another beer. They weren’t drunk, not even tipsy, and Alexi wasn’t supposed to drink much, if anything. But he was downing one beer after the other in the clammy heat, something Janne could sympathise with. He couldn’t really relate to people who felt it necessary to leave Finland behind to get roasted underneath the sun, bathe among seaweed and lethal marine animals and not have the energy to do anything productive at all. But Alexi had, for some farfetched reason, wanted to travel to Phuket.

“I know you really hate the beach,” the blonde commented, taking a pull of the bottle. “I’m kinda sorry about dragging you here with me.”

“You haven’t been dragging me around, Allu,” Janne said and rolled his eyes at the shorter man. “I like being with you… I love being with you. Even if I have to be with you in this horrible, disgusting heat, but it’s totally worth it. And a freezing cold beer somehow tastes even better when it’s so unreasonably hot outside.”

“Amen to that, brother,” Alexi agreed and downed his beer in one gulp.

“You’re impossible.”

The blonde smiled warmly at Janne’s comment. “Come here, will you,” he said lazily, patting the empty spot next to him on the bed. Janne complied, climbing into bed with the vocalist, feeling his arms around him. He let out a content sigh and rested his head on Alexi's shoulder. It felt a bit odd, if Janne had to be completely honest, but the oddity couldn’t compete with the happiness he was experiencing in that moment.

“I love you,” he whispered when the words had been dancing on the tip of his tongue for the longest time, earning a satisfied grunt from Alexi. He didn’t say the words back, but he pressed his lips to Janne’s temple, whispering some unintelligible murmurs into the night. Even so, Janne understood it perfectly well.

 

* * *

 

When Janne woke up the next morning, Alexi was still snoring peacefully; his arm snaked around Janne’s waist.

“Good morning,” Janne whispered, careful not to awaken him. It just felt good to say the words, feeling his warmth against him. The air-conditioner was working a bit too well and the room felt cooler than it should, which caused him to snuggle even closer to his heavily tattooed fiancé.

“Mm,” Alexi agreed, pressing his groin against Janne’s bum. It made Janne’s cheeks go red with conflicting emotions. While they had never been intimate like that, they had more than once awoken in this manner, and they had never been particularly bothered by it. But now things were very different. Allu wasn’t just his best friend, he was his fiancé. That meant something, and the meaning was heavy on the taller man’s shoulders.

He turned around to face Alexi and felt himself calm down at the sight of him, eyes closed and wrinkles smoothed out. When asleep, he didn’t look a day older than when they had first met.

“Allu,” he whispered, attempting to pry the guitarist’s eyes open. He felt that it was somewhat sacrilege to ruin the moment, to tear that look of childish innocence of his face, but he wanted eye contact and words.

“… Huh?”

Janne pressed his lips against Alexi’s, which caused the blonde to wrinkle his forehead, still half-asleep.

“Hey,” he croaked when the brunette had pulled back. When their eyes met, Alexi was almost surprised by how beautiful his Janne looked in the slight sunlight that illuminated the room. The larger man wrapped him in his arms, as if to symbolise that he’d never ever let go of him, and Alexi thought that even if the doctors kept feeding him pills that dulled him, the only real antidote he had was Janne.

“Don’t leave,” Alexi said and hid his face in the crook of Janne’s neck. “Never,” Janne said. There was a look of confusion on his face.

“I need you so fucking much,” the blonde whispered, his words muffled against the other man’s neck. “If you hadn’t been here now, I mean… fuck.”

Janne whispered sweet nothings into Alexi’s ear, trying to soothe him. He was entitled to feel worried and scared, and Janne was trying his best to be his safety net, a set of open arms that would always be there. But it was difficult for both of them. Janne knew that Alexi was doing his best to compensate for what he was losing in strength, and he knew that being weak, or the prospect of being weak, scared the living shit out of him.

“Don’t worry about stupid shit like that,” Janne said and smiled a smile that was almost genuine. “I love you, I’m here, and I’m not leaving.”

 

* * *

 

Janne’s eyes were glued to Alexi’s sun-kissed body as he dived into the swimming pool. He wasn’t tan, but he wasn’t ashen anymore either, and that could only be healthy. Janne didn’t look much different, though a bit reddish here and there from where he hadn’t managed to put on enough sunblock.

His eyes followed Alexi as he swam back and forth a few times. Music filled the air of the property – Slayer, much to the annoyance of their neighbours, but they had been keeping them awake with some crappy Asian pop music the other night. Janne didn’t feel the least bit sorry.

When the shorter man decided that he’d been in the pool long enough, he came to sit down next to Janne in the shade of a palm tree. He slumped into the wooden sunbed, putting his sunglasses back on and then hummed peacefully. Janne listened as the hum turned into a song with words, and recognising the lyrics, he started laughing.

“That’s gay,” he muttered and then turned pink at his own comment.

“Well,” Alexi laughed. “It ain’t that much of a surprise then.”

“You’re not gay.”

“Who knows?”

Janne sat up straight in his own sunbed. He was wearing enough sunblock to last a hundred days or so, not at all wanting to get burnt even further by the furious sun. “I’m not stupid, or gay. I saw how you were eyeing that waitress yesterday.”

“Well, you did too.”

“Yeah, and I’m definitely not gay, thank you very much.”

“Some conversation the two of you are having,” Henkka interfered as he walked past them on his way to the swimming pool. He turned around and smiled at them, receiving a humorous glare from Alexi. “You’re gay for each other, that’s for sure.”

“You’re just gay for pay,” Janne retorted. A corner of Henkka’s mouth lifted, creating a lopsided smile that just added to his boyishness. “That was one time, and I lost a bet. To you, actually,” he said and winked at Alexi, who just smiled fondly at the memory. “It’s still slutty,” Janne said and laughed when the younger man gave him the finger and disappeared into the pool.

“I remember that shit,” Alexi said after a minute or two. “He made out with the bartender, who had a total celebrity crush on him.”

“Wait, did you or the bartender pay?”

“The bartender, of course,” Alexi replied and rolled his eyes. “Those were the good old days.”

“He’d probably do it again,” the brunette said and there was a thoughtful look on his face that made the blonde laugh. “Maybe we can try tonight? We’ll get him drunk and-“

“Or maybe I have other plans for tonight,” Alexi said and winked.

“… Do you?”

The blonde shrugged and then reached for Janne’s iPhone, unlocking it without issue and then changed the music, causing the brunette to groan. “I don’t even like Queen…”


	12. Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been horrible, I know :P but here's a new chapter for you, guys - finally! 
> 
> Comments are appreciated :) they make it easier for me to write..!

Alexi sometimes felt as if he was the lucky one. The thought of having to watch Janne die and having to spend the rest of his life without him, it was heart wrenching in a way he couldn’t even begin to comprehend. Alexi knew for a fact that the last face he’d ever see would be Janne’s, and even if the thought had struck him as somewhat morbid a month ago, it was the most reassuring thing in the world by that point.

Sometimes, when the blonde wasn’t snoring or twisting and turning in bed, Janne would panic. He’d stare at his best friend, his fiancé, and he’d feel tears burning in his eyes. And then he’d start shaking Alexi awake, and the blonde would shout at him, but upon seeing the tearful expression on Janne’s face, he’d bite his tongue and hold his words back.

Janne had never been a particularly emotional person. In all actuality, the blonde was the most emotional one, and Janne had always been his beacon when the storm had gotten too fierce. But Janne felt as if he was sinking.

The blonde was pretending to be asleep. Janne could tell by his breathing and the slight movement of his eyes behind closed eyelids, but he didn’t really care. Watching Alexi was sometimes better than talking to Alexi, and now he couldn’t tear his gaze away from his heavily tattooed body. While he had seen all of his tattoos thousands of times before, he was now attempting to remember the stories behind each and every one of them, what year he had gotten them and what they symbolised. Janne was trying his best to memorise them, and everything else about Alexi, afraid that the memories would get stretched and altered in his mind.

When his dad had passed away some years ago, he hadn’t even thought about the possibility that memories can change, that things you used to remember just fade away and then you can’t even picture their face before your mind’s eye anymore. And when you look at the pictures, you don’t really recognise them anymore, at least not how you used to.

“Allu,” he whispered then, breaking the silence in the room.

“…Yeah?”

There was a long pause before the brunette proceeded, and when he finally did, all he could say was: “Nothing.”

 

* * *

 

Janne was once again staring at Alexi, this time from their bed, and he felt really sorry for the blonde. He was on the phone with Anna, the only one in his family who knew about the illness and who knew about their engagement. She was freaking out about having to stay silent, especially when their parents were so worried about him.

“Jeez! I’ll tell them when I come back home again…” he argued and rolled his eyes for Janne to see, which made both of them smile. It was of course completely inappropriate.

“I promise, Anna. No, seriously, you’re not telling them- you’re not! Let them stay ignorant for a little while longer, yeah? I’ll give mum a call and tell them that I’m fine, for now.”

He put down his phone, obviously annoyed.

“Did you end the call?”

Alexi gave him a long look. “She did. You know how she gets…”

The brunette shrugged his shoulders, an innocent smile playing on his lips. Alexi smiled a tender smile in return, and he wrapped his slender arms around Janne, breathing him in as they hugged.

“We’ve got a week left,” Janne whispered. “Let’s make the best of this vacation, eh?”

“Let’s,” the blonde agreed and then tucked a lock of hair behind Janne’s hair. “I said I’ve got plans, didn’t I?”

The comment sent little shivers down Janne’s spine, good ones. When Alexi kissed him, his heart lit on fire, the warmth spreading through his entire body like an explosion. His lips moved down his jawline and towards the sensitive spot on his neck. Had he not been so caught up in the moment, he would’ve felt ridiculous to be doing this with his best friend, but they weren’t that anymore, they were so much more than that.

When Alexi pulled back from him again, Janne could feel the warmth radiating from the spot where his lips had just touched his neck. His hand wandered back there, gently pressing against his own neck. It felt incomprehensible. All of it felt incomprehensible.  

“How long have you loved me?” the brunette blurted out, almost unaware that the question had slipped through his lips. They didn’t talk about these things; it was an unwritten rule of some kind.

Alexi looked like a four-year-old who had been asked about Pythagoras. Janne was about to apologise for the abruptness, but the blonde raised his hand as if to silence him.

“I’ve always loved you, Janne,” the guitarist said and there was a slight frown on his face. “I loved you when you were a dorky twat listening to jazz and asking me who Burzum is, and I loved you when you started doing wonders for the band… I mean, we’re… we’re musical soulmates, you and I. We’re the fucking booze brothers.”

The dark-haired man’s eyes sparked with something Alexi couldn’t really decipher, but he knew it was meaningful. He knew it was important.

“You’re amazing,” the keyboardist whispered and leaned in for another kiss. “So-so very amazing, Allu...”

“…Um,” they heard someone say awkwardly from the doorway. “Jaska made lunch, if you’d like some.”

The two of them stared at a very uncomfortable Henkka. His cheeks were crimson, and he looked a bit like a kid who had just found his mum’s dildo while searching for her wallet. Alexi and Janne then looked at each other, smiled and then started laughing hysterically.

“This is all very odd to me,” Henkka said and he had to smile as well, not the kind of a person to get offended by such situations.

“Deal with it,” Alexi said and stuck his tongue out at the younger man. Before anyone could say anything, Alexi had stolen another sloppy kiss from Janne, causing the bassist to laugh.

 

* * *

 

It was late in the evening. Henkka and Jaska had gone to what had become their favourite pub so far, allowing for the engaged couple to have some privacy. They were in bed watching television, their fingers yet again intertwined.

“This movie is shitty,” Alexi said after some time, making the keyboardist laugh. “Well, duh. It’s supposed to be a crappy movie. Can you imagine a serious movie called ‘The Human Centipede’? I sure as hell can’t.”

The blonde snorted. “I guess. But it’s so messed up as well, like… that dude, the doctor guy, he looks like Lux Interior.” Janne gave him an odd look. “Who?”

“The guy from The Cramps…”

“Hmm, nope, I don’t know about him.”

“Jeez, Janne.”

The dark-haired man rolled his eyes, but there was a smile toying on his lips. “You’re horrible,” he just muttered and then turned off the television, deciding that Alexi didn’t catch the morbid humour of the movie. Instead of arguing about it, Alexi snuggled against Janne on top of the bed, feeling very happy that he was even allowed to be so close.

Janne suddenly felt the need to invade Alexi’s personal space, and he pushed the smaller man into the mattress, placing a forceful kiss onto his lips. A surprised yelp was all the resistance he got, and then the blonde opened his mouth wide for him, allowing for him to deepen the kiss.

Alexi’s hands were running up and down his back, his mouth hungry for Janne’s kisses. When the keyboardist pulled back, he received a small complaint in the shape of a whining noise that wasn’t like Alexi at all. It made Janne smile, and he pressed yet another kiss to the blonde man’s lips. They kissed until their lips were swollen and they were out of breath, clinging onto each other as if life depended upon it.

“Janne…” the blonde whispered. Their eyes met and the dark-haired man was surprised at how huge the other man’s pupils were. “Yeah?” he breathed, not able to withdraw his eyes from the smaller man.

Alexi didn’t reply to that, but he decided to take charge of the situation and flipped the larger man over. Once on top of Janne, he stripped off his tank top and then started tugging at Janne’s shirt. The new situation had caught Janne slightly off guard. They hadn’t really taken things this far before, not that this was actually very far, but Janne hadn’t wanted to be the one initiating things.

“This goes off,” the blonde whispered as he began to unbutton the shirt. Once it was gone, the guitarist proceeded by placing a generous amount of tiny kisses on Janne’s chest and abdomen, causing him to moan in a way Alexi hadn’t heard before. It turned him on, to say the least.

The brunette thought that Alexi’s fingers must’ve been electric. They had to be, because every time they touched his skin, he could feel it tingle in a frenzy of static. And his hands were everywhere, making Janne feel as if he was on fire. And then their tongues were wrestling, though in a gentle manner, none of them yearning for dominance, just discovery.

“…Allu,” the dark-haired one whispered when he felt the other man’s hand travel farther and farther down, down to where he was aching for his touch.

The blonde responded by making eye contact with him, a questioning look on his face as his hand hovered just above Janne’s zipper.

“Please,” he said and felt himself blush furiously at the word he had just uttered. The blonde couldn’t conceal his smile of amusement and adoration, pressing a kiss to Janne’s lips. “I love you so fucking much,” he whispered.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm moving out from my parents house this month to go to school (outdoorsy kind of school) and I will not have a lot of internet access, which is unfortunate for my writing, of course. I will therefore try to wrap this up before I leave :) 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and commenting, it always makes me smile.


	13. Devour

They had been back in Finland for about two weeks when it had happened. Alexi had an epileptic seizure triggered by the tumour, the ugly monster that was slowly devouring his brain. He had hit his head against the kitchen counter and the wound had required a few stitches. Janne had been scared half to death by the incident, and he still felt twitchy, even if a week had gone by and nothing more had happened. The blonde was doing his best to reassure him that things were now fine, but they all knew that nothing was ever going to be fine again.

“You’ve got to tell your parents,” the brunette decided as he stood by the very same kitchen counter Alexi had hit his head against a week before. He was chopping an onion, wanting to prepare a decent meal for once. The blonde was seated by the table, his eyes glued to the stars yet again.

“I know,” he sighed, tearing his gaze from the sky, focusing on his fiancé instead. “It’s just hard.”

Janne put the knife down, closing his eyes for a brief moment. “They will want to know, even if it’ll be hard on them. But if you don’t say something, then they won’t… you’re taking away their chance of appreciating you these…” he faltered and stared down at the onion. He wasn’t sure if the burning sensation in his eyes was caused by the vegetable or by his lover, but it hardly mattered.

“I’ll give them the good news first. It’ll be hilarious,” Alexi said and laughed. It was forced, but Janne appreciated the effort nonetheless.

“I hope they’ll be a tad more happy about it than my mum is,” he said and then snorted, as if offended.

The blonde gave him a sympathetic look. “They’ll be totally cool with it. You know how they are.”

Janne walked away from the kitchen counter and sat down on the opposite side of the table from Alexi, hiding his face in his hands. “I’m so fucking tired,” he whispered. The guitarist gave him a long look, one that said that he felt exactly the same, but Janne wasn’t looking at him. “I just want all of this to go away. I want the world to be you, me and the band, and then nothing more. Nothing less.”

Alexi’s put his hand on top of Janne’s, doing his best to reassure him that the world was safe, but it was hard to convince someone of something when it wasn’t true. If anything, it meant that he was still there, that he wasn’t dead just yet.

“When…” Alexi whispered, and even if Janne didn’t lift his gaze to meet his, he knew he was listening. “When they first told me I was sick, I didn’t really accept what they were telling me, I mean, jeez!” he said and laughed, though it was lacking entirely of amusement. “But then… well, I just started thinking about how people would react, about how I’d spend this last time, and… Eliina was the last thing on my mind. So I broke up with her, told her I’d pay the rent until the end of the year and… I couldn’t get you out of my head. Seriously, Janne, I couldn’t stop staring at you.”

The keyboardist was almost smiling, but it was a sad smile, a ghost of something else.

“It screwed me up. I wanted to be with you so badly, but I didn’t want to, like… break your heart, and I wasn’t really sure if you’d have me anyways… and then I would’ve just messed up our lives. But these last two months have been… they’ve been everything, Janne. And that’s the only thing I care about. I don’t give a shit if your mum’s being an asshole about it. It doesn’t matter, y’know? You’re everything to me.”

The brunette brought Alexi’s hand to his lips, kissing it softly in a very lame and very cheesy way, but it didn’t really feel too bad. It felt more good than anything, to be able to shower the blonde with his love in such openness.

“What d’you say, Janne… should we open that bottle of Jack you’ve hidden from me?”

 

* * *

 

They were at the hospital again. Alexi had been suffering from dizziness, a severe headache and vomiting, and none of the numerous pills would help him recover. The dark-haired man had carried him to the car, and he had held his hand the entire drive there. He had had a bucket between his skinny legs, not able to stop himself from retching. They had been greeted by two nurses and a hospital bed. His doctor had done a thorough examination, and they had taken some more scans of his brain to see if the tumour had grown. It had.

“Allu,” Janne whispered and squeezed his hand. He wanted nothing more than to tell him that it was nothing, that he was a bit dehydrated and that they could leave the hospital soon and then never come back again, but the truth was still the truth. “The doctor says you’ll get better once the new meds start kicking in.”

Alexi forced his eyes open, and he smiled a genuine smile when he saw that Janne was there, even if his face was clouded by fear and doubt. “We’re getting married,” Alexi told him and then closed his eyes once again. Janne just froze as the comment sank in, fearing that Alexi was slipping away from him already.

“Look at me,” he demanded and his voice was tense and fearful. “Look at me, Allu.”

“…Mm, no, I wanna sleep.”

The brunette started crying when Alexi’s hand went limp as he fell asleep. He couldn’t help it, it felt as if he was dying, not sleeping, and Janne was so fucking powerless.

 

* * *

 

They were home again. The blonde had been sleeping nonstop due to the heavy medication he was taking, and Janne, who had watched his father go in a very similar manner only a few years ago, felt heavy with grief. His every breath was laced with a profound sadness, and when he wasn’t watching Alexi, he was staring at the playful flames as they wrestled in the fireplace, always with a pensive look on his face.

Henkka was sitting next to him on the sofa. He stretched out his legs in front of him and yawned, which stole the attention of the keyboardist away from the fireplace.

“He told them. His parents, I mean…” Janne whispered and then swallowed thickly. “He… they’re coming over tomorrow to help us plan the wedding.” There was a long pause. The brunette had to take in a deep breath before he could finish. “I doubt that he’ll be awake for much of it, if any.”

Henkka, who was always a shining light with his boyish charm and big smile, was now silent. His movements were slow and he hadn’t smiled since he’d arrived. Something grim was haunting his features, something Janne understood almost too well. “Will it get better?” he whispered after some time, giving Janne a hopeful look that made him appear younger than his years.

The brunette heaved a sigh. “I don’t know. I mean, the doctor said that maybe when he gets used to it… but he’s going back on Monday. They might put him on something else, but they’re being very diffuse. I don’t know shit.”

The blue-eyed man nodded his head, trying his best to comprehend what Janne was telling him. He rubbed his thighs, a nervous habit of his; something Janne hadn’t seen him do in years. “And what about you,” Henkka whispered. “How are you doing?”

“All things taken into consideration… shitty as hell,” Janne admitted with yet another sigh. He was feeling tired and out of breath, but there wasn’t a way around it. He had to pull through. “But we’ll get through the wedding, I know we will,” he said, more to himself than to Henkka. “We have to…”

There was another pause and another silence filled with eerie thoughts. “The wedding will be great. Antti owes him a song,” Henkka said, conjuring up some good memories.  

“Then it will be less great,” Janne laughed, picturing his brother attempting to sing a song. Henkka smiled as well, but his smile was coloured by second thoughts. He wondered what would happen when all of this hell was over with, when Alexi wasn’t there anymore and Janne alone – a widower.

“…Janne,” he said, though his voice was low and insecure. He put his hand on the older man’s shoulder, wanting to express his support and his love, even if it wasn’t nearly enough. “I’ll always be here for you. I hope you know that.”

 

* * *

 

Alexi was even smaller and skinnier than before, looking like a ghost of himself rather than an actual person. The brunette had been pampering him, needless to say, and there was a pile of blankets on top of him where he was lying in the sofa.

“Allu?”  Janne whispered. The blonde’s eyes were closed and his eyelids were an ugly shade of bluish purple that shouldn’t have been there. He looked absolutely drained.

“Hmm?” he muttered back, cracking one eye open. “Janne, don’t look at me like that.”

The brunette took his seat next to his fiancé on the sofa, one hand running down his cheek, brushing an unruly lock of hair away from his eyes. “They’ve… posted it on the Facebook page.”

Alexi raised a brow. “Posted what?”

Janne inhaled sharply. They had talked about this for a while now, but Alexi had kept brushing it off, as if it wasn’t necessary to inform the rest of the world that he was sick. They had cancelled all their shows and the amount of questions coming in was just crazy. It was impossible for their manager not to tell.

“I talked to Jaska about it, and… we didn’t put any details on there, that’s up to you to decide, but… we wrote that we won’t be able to do any shows this year, and that the future of the band is uncertain.”

Alexi just stared at him for a moment of uncertainty and betrayal. “…Okay,” was all he said.

“Look, Alexi… I’ve been trying to bring this up so many times-“

“Shut up, please,” Alexi said and closed his eyes, like he wanted to shut the world out. It wasn’t mean, but he was exhausted and the conversation didn’t help.

“No,” Janne said, crossing his arms over his chest in a determined fashion. “I won’t shut up.”

The blonde man ran his hand through his hair with a long sigh. It wasn’t as much annoyed as it was uncertain, and Janne could see it in his eyes. He felt powerless, which was a new feeling for him.

“The wedding is next week,” Alexi suddenly pointed out, changing the topic to distract his thoughts, maybe, and Janne was very fine with that. He smiled softly and started touching the blonde locks again, never able to keep his hands to himself when Alexi was so close.

“Yeah,” he said and the smile on his face was almost too beautiful. Alexi had to swallow, feeling so much for the brunette. Having his hands in his hair felt like the most natural thing there was. “It’ll be epic. I found an awesome band for us as well… well, it’s more like they volunteered, actually, but still.”

Amusement transformed Alexi’s face, and his smile was very real. “And who’s that?”

“Well, not your fav band, but we can’t play something too heavy when our fam-“

“It’s HIM, isn’t it?”

“…Maybe.”

The guitarist had to laugh at that. Janne had said not too long ago that HIM, in spite of playing pop goth, is not too far from being metal. They had a discussion about it after, under the influence, which he remembered with fondness.

“But they’re awesome, Allu. I mean, I know they aren’t metal, we don’t need to do that whole thing again, but they’re… sweet? They play sweet music. We can’t play Lamb of God when your parents- your grandparents, are coming!”

“But it’s my wedding,” Alexi whined, which resulted in laughter.

“You’re impossible,” Janne said, but his voice was laced with affection. The blonde man grinned in return, a huge grin that warmed the brunette’s heart.

“HIM will be fucking great, Janne.”


	14. A Memorable Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :) again, sorry for the unbelievably long wait, my life has been chaotic these last few months :P

Finland was commonly known as the land of a thousand lakes. Lake Bodom was among those thousand lakes, and at first glance, there was nothing special about it. There was a normal shoreline and normal, little cabins with saunas and outhouses attached. Then there were trees, mainly tall fir-trees and birch trees. The landscape was covered in a thick layer of powdery snow, snow that the kids were playing in. Well, not just the kids, Alexi too, as a matter of fact. Janne was watching him with amusement sparkling in his big brown eyes.

Everyone who had been invited to the celebration of their marriage had turned up, though with the expected absence of Janne’s parents. They were not supportive of homosexuality, even if Janne didn’t really feel any different. He didn’t feel gay, he simply felt like a man in love, and he couldn’t see the harm in it.

“Here, take some glögg,” Janne said from where he was standing outside by a large kettle. He was serving the traditional hot beverage to the children in fear that they might get cold.

“Hey, what about me?” Alexi whined. Having been last in line, the kettle was empty by the time he got there.

“Oh, but I have a special one for you, Mr. Laiho,” the brunette winked and handed the guitarist a thermos flask, which earned him a smile. “There’s a little extra something in there for you.”

“I’m so fucking glad we rented this place,” Alexi said after a few careful sips, feeling his body starting to heat up again. “It’s… I dunno, Janne. All of this is perfect.”

Janne had to agree. The log cabin was sparsely decorated and had rustic furniture and no indoor bathroom, no heating system and, in winter time, no water. But it had a sauna, a large outdoor kettle and whatnot, really, because who says that you need a telly and a jacuzzi to be happy? They most certainly didn’t.

“Jaska found some really great recipes,” Janne said and smiled shyly. “I love this rustic theme.”

“Yeah,” Alexi agreed. “I think that-“

A large snowball came out of nowhere, landing in Alexi’s face, causing the small Finn to yelp in a very surprised, very girly manner. Janne couldn’t hold his laughter back, and when he turned to see which one of the kids had thrown it, he was surprised to find that it hadn’t been any of them.

“…Alexander?”

* * *

 

They were sitting inside by the fireplace. Their clothes were hanging in the hallway, dripping onto the floor, and Alexi, who had been buried in snow quite a few times that day, was trembling a bit. Janne, who was always on the alert when it came to his husband, put a warm blanket around him. The tiny blonde grumbled a bit at the attention, still not entirely comfortable with being looked after in such a manner. Alexander on the other hand, after having watched them interact with one another, hummed amusedly.

“This wasn’t what I was expecting from the two of you,” he eventually said. Janne wasn’t sure if it was meant to be offensive, but judging by the softness in his eyes and features, he’d say that it hadn’t been.

Alexi snorted. “When have I ever been predictable?”

“True, true…” Alexander said and then nudged him in the ribs in a playful manner. “Congrats, man.”

There was a strange tension in the air between the two blonde men. Alexander’s presence wasn’t something either of them had expected, and Janne knew that they hadn’t spoken in ages. Things hadn’t ended in a great way between them, and Alexander had never as much as tried to stay in touch. He’d probably been thinking that this was his last chance of making amends.

“Thanks,” the guitarist said, a tiny smile toying on his lips.

“You know…” Alexander said after some time. His voice was thick with guilt, guilt that was rightfully his.  He hadn’t really contributed in making Alexi healthy, even if the blonde couldn’t hold a grudge. Old memories hung between them in the air, it was so visible, and Janne felt like an imposer.

“I never intended for any of that shit to go down between us, yeah? I… I’m really sorry about the way I’ve left things, Allu. I have no words.”

The shorter man looked as if he was taken aback by this half apology. “I’m not holding any of it against you,” he said after some time, averting his gaze. Then there was a brief pause until a tiny smile appeared on his face. “Hey, this is silly, isn’t it? Let’s grab a beer or two. We’ve got shitloads of stuff to talk about, don’t we?”

Alexander was about to reply, his face adorned with a tender smile, but Janne interfered.  

“I’ll leave you two to it,” Janne declared after some time having listened in on their conversation. “I should look after our guests, after all.”  


Janne and Alexi had already been wed by law. This was just a celebration to mark that they were now husband and husband. They had both cringed at the idea of having some dude ask them to read their vows and then seal it with a kiss, that kind of sappy shit just wasn’t for them. But everyone they loved was there, and they were having a good time, drinking, snow bathing and skiing, for those who were into that stuff.

They had rented the cabin for three days and were well into their second day. Jaska had made some interesting dishes for them, all of them inspired by Viking cuisine, and some inventive Sami dishes. Dessert had consisted of cloudberries in many varieties.

When the children had been put to bed, HIM started playing. There was a tiny stage in the dinner hall area, one that was just spacious enough for the band to perform. The room was only lit by candles, resulting in a somewhat bewitching atmosphere. People weren’t really paying much attention to the music, more occupied with their drinks and their everyday conversations.

Alexi, who had been kind of enjoying the live music, but then kind of not, turned his attention to Jaska. He hadn’t been around much, having been so busy standing by the stove.

“Dinner was fucking amazing, Jaska,” Alexi declared and then raised his bottle. “Let’s  drink to the chef!”

As soon as HIM finished their set list, some of their other musically gifted friends went on stage, announcing that every song was for the groom and the bride.

“A thousand congratulations to the two of you,” Ville Valo said as he walked by the two of them at the head of the table. “It was a pleasure to perform tonight.”

“T’was nice of you to play, Ville,” the blonde said before Janne could press a single word through his lips. For some reason, Ville had a tendency of making him nervous, perhaps due to his height. He was intimidating in some way, a fact that greatly amused the blonde.

“Yeah,” Janne agreed and shook the taller man’s hand. “Now, dig in! Jaska’s made plenty.” 

When all of the young people had had their say in the celebration, Alexi’s maternal grandfather walked on stage with his accordion. The blonde had laughed a hearty laugh at the scene as it unfolded itself. His grandfather proceeded by playing the traditional “Ievan Polkka”, the only song he still knew how to play, all night long, and they were all dancing merrily until their feet were sore and their voices raw from singing in.

Eventually they were all so drunk they just passed out and remained passed out until the children came to claim their parents the next morning. Alexi and Janne had however managed to find their way to the bedroom, and for the entire third day, no one saw neither of them.

 

* * *

 

When the celebration was over with and everyone else had gone back home again, Alexi and Janne sat side by side in a lean-to, simply watching the snowy lake. That lake, even if it had been a coincidence, meant so much to them both. It had redefined their lives.

“Want some cocoa?”

“Depends,” Alexi muttered as he leaned his head against Janne’s neck and shoulder. “D’you have something strong to put in it?”

Janne rolled his eyes, though in an amused manner. “As a matter of fact, yes, I do. I do think about my husband’s wants and needs, you know.” The comment made the blonde blush a bit, though he wouldn’t admit it.

“Gimme…”

The dark-haired man handed him the cup, one that had a swearing hedgehog on it. “I bought it for you,” the keyboardist said when Alexi didn’t comment on it. The blonde glanced at the picture and read the profanities and he couldn’t help but to laugh. “It reminded me of you.”

“I guess. I swear a lot, don’t I?”

“Well, that’s an understatement…”


	15. Darkness Overcomes

It was June. Alexi, who had been feeling better since the wedding celebration, had now taken a turn for the worse. He had been in and out of the hospital for the last two weeks, and Janne had been completely devastated, never once leaving his side.

They were home again. Janne’s apartment had become their only sanctuary, a place where they could breathe and behave as if Alexi wasn’t dying. The whole world knew about his illness now. He had posted a video on his Facebook page, informing that there would be no more Children of Bodom, explaining what was going on with him. The reactions of their fans had been heart-breaking to say the least. He had received so many gifts and letters and messages that he didn’t know what to make of it all.

“Janne…”

The whisper of his name caught his attention at once, and he tucked away the newspaper he’d been reading, giving Alexi’s his full attention.

“I’ve written my will,” he said with quiet intensity, making eye contact with his husband. “You… and Anna.” There was another pause. “I’ve left everything to you two, and some music stuff to Jaska and Henkka.”

Janne kept staring into Alexi’s tired blue eyes, and he knew what Alexi was thinking. It broke his heart into a million little pieces. “Allu…” he whispered and closed his eyes. For a moment he felt like he couldn’t breathe, the knowledge of what would soon be happening too much for him to handle, and yet he knew it so very well. He knew that it was real, and that scared him more than anything.

“I… I know you don’t wanna hear this shit, but… I’m fucking tired, Janne. I’m so fucking tired.”

The silence wasn’t a good one. Alexi was avoiding Janne’s eyes, staring up into the ceiling, trying desperately to remove himself from the situation. “Don’t leave me,” Janne pleaded. “Not now.”

“Not yet,” Alexi whispered with his eyes closed. Janne nodded, but it took him some time to find his voice again. “I-I just…”

“I know,” Alexi said and a soft smile touched his lips, though only for a brief moment. “I love you too.”

* * *

 

Anna stood by the bed next to their parents, all of them with solemn looks on their faces. Alexi had been unresponsive for the last two weeks and they all knew what would come next. While Janne had known for eight months, it didn’t make this any easier. Nothing could’ve possibly made the pain of not being able to speak to Allu anymore any better or easier. It felt like his heart had been torn out of his chest, and while he stayed strong and held Anna’s hand and talked about funeral arrangements, as if Allu was already dead, he would be crying himself to sleep every night. He would still hug Alexi’s clothes and breathe in the scent of him. Sometimes he’d find a strand of blonde hair on his jacket while getting a coffee and he’d start crying. Crying was all there was.

As he was talking about what songs Alexi would’ve preferred to have in his funeral, the doctor pulled him aside, needing to talk about something urgent. They went to his office, and when the doctor asked Janne to take his seat, he simply stood by the door, nearly jumping from one foot to the other, eager to go back.

“Mr. Wirman,” the young doctor said and cleared his throat, as if Janne hadn’t heard him. “What?” Janne asked. His tone had been more aggressive than intended, and the doctor looked a bit uncertain. “You need to sit down.”

Janne sighed, but complied and took his seat in the uncomfortable white chair, the fabric some kind of leather imitation. It made strange squeaking noises when he moved, which annoyed him.

“Would you like to sleep in his room?” the doctor asked, causing Janne to frown. “What?”

The doctor gave him a long look. “As you must know, his situation is now critical, and… I personally am not certain that he has more than a few days left, hence my question.”

“Yeah,” Janne whispered. “Yeah. I’ll stay with him… of course.”

 

* * *

 

It was in the evening that same day. The hospital room had white walls and old-fashioned linoleum floors that reminded him of his grandmother’s house. He was also fairly certain that the curtains had not been changed since the early 1990s and they looked pretty damn sad. But then again, most things about hospitals are depressing, a mix of life and death and illnesses. And now they were waiting for the Grim Reaper, like Allu had said some time ago. He couldn’t be far down the hall.

Janne pushed his bed as close to Alexi’s as possible. He opened the curtains and allowed for the moonlight to illuminate the room and Alexi’s pale face. It was difficult to tell that he was still alive, and only barely so, only because of the machines.

When Janne finally got into bed, his face only inches away from Alexi’s, he felt some strange sense of relief, like things were a bit more normal. He had shared his bed for months now, and when Alexi had been at the hospital and the bed at home was empty, it had felt lonely and misplaced.

“Allu…” he whispered and brushed his hand against the shorter man’s cheek, feeling his warmth. “I’m here, and I’ll be here all the way… I’m not going anywhere…”

When Janne eventually drifted off to sleep, his dreams were good and pleasant. He dreamt that they were in Thailand again, and Alexi was wearing that gruesome Hawaiian shirt of his. They were drinking Jack and talking about the band, about upcoming concerts and rehearsals and all those things that were so normal. But when he woke up, things were the same as before, and Alexi wouldn’t open his eyes.

“Allu,” he said and his voice broke. It was something of a prayer, the way he said his name.

He brushed away strands of unruly hair and kissed his forehead and his lips and hands, praying to some unknown greater power that Alexi would pry his eyelids open, if only for a moment. He needed those blue eyes, that smile and that laughter.

“You’re my everything,” he whispered into his ear. “I hope you can hear me… I hope you know that I love you so-so much, that… that nothing will be normal when you’re gone, ‘cause you’re my normalcy now… the band, you and me and the flat… the sound of you swearing when you can’t get a song right... your laughter. You…”

Janne snuggled close to his husband and closed his eyes, though he hadn’t really intended to fall asleep.

When the nurse came in the next morning, she found Janne curled up against Alexi, their fingers interlaced. For a brief moment, she had to stop her busy day and just look at the two of them. She nearly wept for them, their love and their pain such a strong presence in the room.

 

* * *

 

It was the third night Janne slept at the hospital. He was thinner than he could remember to have been all his life, and more mentally exhausted than ever before. In one way, he felt like he was dying too, but not physically, only his heart. Alexi was, as he had pointed out on several occasions, his soulmate. When he died, he would take a huge chunk of his soul with him. Janne felt such anxiety about this, about how he’d never see Alexi again, and for the first time ever, he understood why the seven dwarves put Snow White in the glass coffin. The thought of never seeing Allu again, it made him want to slit his wrists open.

Janne fell asleep while reading a random book the nurse had handed him. It had slipped out of his hands and slid down to the floor. The nurse came to collect it at some point, and she put a blanket on the brunette’s lap, not wanting him to get cold.

When he had slept for a few hours, he woke up to a darkened sky. When he was a bit more orientated and awake, he took notice of strange noises coming from the other side of the room. The anxiety tightened in his chest again, and he rose from his seat and walked over to Alexi’s bed in one swift movement, only to be surprised.

“Alexi…”

The blonde man was frowning deeply, as if he was having a nightmare, and he was making little movements and displeasured little grunts. Janne, not believing his eyes, wasn’t sure how to react to this, but he reached out and touched his forehead with his palm, then moving his hand slowly through his hair, caressing him.

“I’m here,” he whispered reassuringly. “Janne’s here…”

Alexi’s eyes were suddenly wide open. The brunette felt tears running down his cheeks, and he took Alexi’s hand in his own, squeezing it gently. “Allu?” The despair in his voice was obvious, though nothing more than a chocked plead.

Blue eyes were now fully focused on Janne. His body stopped trembling and he was perfectly still, perfectly quiet, and it was as unnerving as it was amazing. Janne had thought that he’d never get to see those blue orbs again, and he was crying. “I love you,” he whispered. “I love you so much.”

The guitarist opened his mouth, but no words would fall from his lips. He was as if paralyzed.

“Don’t talk,” Janne said and kept caressing him in a very gentle manner. “Don’t talk.”

Janne remembered that he should push the red button that would send for a doctor or a nurse. He was quick to push it, and he clung onto Alexi and whispered sweet nothings into his ear. “I love you,” he whispered.

“… Janne,” he heard that familiar voice say in a croak that was obviously pained. Just then, his body started convulsing, his eyes rolling back. Foam and spit was running down his mouth. He looked as if possessed. 

“Help!” the brunette cried out, but his voice broke once more. “Help me, please…”

Suddenly the doors swung open and slammed into the walls. Two nurses and a doctor were running towards the bed, and they were shouting something about emergency surgery, but Alexi had refused such treatments. They gave him a shot of something. Janne was pushed out through the doorframe and into the waiting room. A nurse told him to call his family, but he was shaking quite violently and couldn’t even reach his phone. A sympathetic woman offered to call someone for him, and he kept saying “Henkka, Henkka” over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... I'm sorry


	16. To Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter :) it's an emotional chapter, I'm afraid, though I loved writing it and I hope you will love reading it as well. 
> 
>  
> 
> Merry Christmas to you all!

The world felt too quiet, too hollow and too dark. It felt impossible to look beyond the overwhelming denseness of the void, and it felt equally impossible to reconcile with their destiny and the unfairness of the universe, for it had torn his very reality into shreds. Nothing could or would fill the void, no matter how he yearned for some purpose, and even music couldn’t pull him out of the constant state of hollowness. Everything had been devoured by the blackness – like a tsunami – and his life had returned to the blank canvas. There was nothing.

But then, out of nowhere, he felt something. He felt fingers in his hair, massaging his scalp, and though it wasn’t Alexi, he allowed himself to sink deeper into the soft cushions of the sofa and relax his tense muscles. When the fingers found a particularly sensitive spot, he let out a quiet moan. And then he felt the guilt washing in over him – another tsunami – and he flinched and pulled back.

“Relax, Janne,” a soft and yet scolding voice commanded, yanking him back in place. “Don’t beat yourself up. You don’t deserve it.”

Janne forced himself to gaze upwards and into Henkka’s face. He wanted to say something – that he was undeserving of the affection – but he chose to remain silent. There wasn’t much left to say.

“I know,” Henkka whispered, as though he knew what thoughts had flickered through the keyboardist’s mind. And of course he knew, because they were as close as brothers and had no secrets. They both missed the vocalist beyond what words could express, and while they did find some comfort in each other’s company, it couldn’t at all compete with Alexi and his loudness.

“Sometimes,” Janne said, though his voice was muffled by the cushions. “Sometimes he’d nudge me in the ribs around four in the morning, asking me- no, ordering me to get him a sandwich, and sometimes a bottle of Jack. Sometimes, he’d…” Janne started trembling involuntarily at the memories. “He’d kiss my forehead when he thought I was asleep… I went through another one of his boxes, and… there was a song he’d recorded just before, you know, and it was really shitty actually, but it had my name written on it… it was the sappiest thing I’ve heard, about me getting him that bottle of Jack in the middle of night, shit like that…”

These random memories of Allu just popped into Janne’s mind whenever, at random times, at the worst times, and he felt the pain as it ate away at him like some horrible acid.

The hand in his hair went limp. “I miss him too.”

“I know,” Janne whispered back, looking up from where he’d been hiding his face. Henkka had lost his boyishness these last few weeks. He had broken up with his girlfriend, declaring her unfit, and he’d spent long hours in the office, going through all the shit they had neglected, stating that it would happen one day in the future on a rainy day. Janne supposed that it had been true. Every day since Alexi had died had been a rainy day.

The thought sent little shivers of pain through Janne’s body, a familiar ache that meant that tears were about to run down his cheeks and he’d sob wretchedly until he was too tired to do anything but stare into the ceiling.

“Henkka,” he whispered and, without even noticing it, he took a hold of the younger man’s shirt. “I don’t… jeez, how the fuck am I going to outlive this? Every day that I live and he… I can’t do it like this.”

The bassist stared at Janne for the longest time before an answer fell from his lips, though it wasn’t an answer as much as it was a question. “Can I… can I help, in any way?” The brunette had to frown at the question, not sure what he meant by that, but he felt his mouth go dry when Henkka’s hand rested on top of his. It was only then that he noticed that his hand was still clinging onto the other man’s shirt. He let go.

“No-no,” Janne said and bit down on his lower lip, feeling a mixture of want and despair rushing through his veins. He wanted and needed to be close to someone, but someone wasn’t and couldn’t be Alexi. “I’d never… no.”

Henkka shrugged, as if it was all the same to him. Janne knew that wasn’t true, but Henkka was putting Janne first. He had this idea in his head that Janne was suffering the worst because he’d been widowed.

“You shouldn’t… offer that to me, you know?”

The bassist shook his head. “You shouldn’t feel guilty about… wanting to be close to someone. We know each other well enough-“

“To fuck?” Janne said, interfering. His tone of voice was accusing.

“To grieve,” the bassist said and there was an emptiness in his eyes upon speaking these words that Janne knew all too well. The emptiness of loss was worse than any horror movie, and it left all of them trying to fill the void. To some people, it might come across as odd, but the loss of Alexi wasn’t just that of a band member, no, it was that of the closest family that they had. They had lived on top of each other for more than fifteen years. That counted for something that went beyond friendship, and even the loss of a friend is a huge void to fill.

“When we started this band,” the younger man said and turned to look at Janne. His eyes were intense, like they wanted to capture Janne, and they did. “I was so young, so inexperienced. Alexi, he taught me so much, in spite of only being a year older. But he taught me life. I loved- love that motherfucker more than most things. But then there is you, and there is Jaska. Roope too, even if he’s an old fart.”

The brunette leaned his head against Henkka’s shoulder, knowing what he was offering. It wasn’t right, but it wasn’t wrong.

“He’s been away for two months,” Janne whispered and closed his eyes, feeling his body begin to tremble once more, but he was too tired to cry.

Henkka embraced him with strong arms, willing the pain away. For a brief moment, it helped, and the warmth of another person felt heavenly. And when Henkka placed an odd kiss on his lips, he didn’t protest.

That night, for the first and the last time, they shared Henkka’s bed. The next morning, Janne left without another word exchanged between them. He disappeared, only leaving a small note behind. It simply said:

_“I know this seems crazy, but I’m fleeing the country now, or else I might get even crazier. Being here is too intense. Journalists keep stopping me on the street, asking me to say a few words about the ‘tragic death of the lead singer’. I can’t deal with that shit anymore. I need to be alone and sort myself out. I’ll be back. Don’t look for me.”_

Henkka had posted an English translation of the letter on their Facebook page, as if to say that this was a heavy enough burden without journalists pestering them for information that was already available. Everyone knew how Alexi had died, he had posted a video about it himself, and everyone knew that Children of Bodom had ceased to exist. There couldn’t be a Children of Bodom without Alexi, and it was as simple as that. The fans responded by giving their full support, stating that journalists are ‘selfish fucking assholes’.

To begin with, the bassist had thought that Janne would only be gone for a few weeks, maybe borrowing his mother’s cabin or so. But several months went by without any contact, and fall became winter and Christmas was once again on its way. To Henkka and Jaska, this December was all but filled with joy. They were worried about Janne. His phone wasn’t working and he didn’t answer any of the emails they had sent. But there wasn’t much to do. Antti refused to call the police about it. He kept referring to the ‘don’t look for me’ part of the letter that Janne had written, and he said that it would’ve been disrespectful. Janne just needed time to pull through the worst of it. They left it at that.

 

* * *

 

The present had been waiting for him on the coffee table. It was in the characteristic colour of pink, and it had a white ribbon tied around it that was very endearing. Next to the present was a letter, a black one with white letters that said his name and a badly drawn smiley next to it. Janne felt a single tear fall from his brown eyes, followed by another one, and another one, until soon, a steady stream of salty tears flowed its way down his cheeks.

“You motherfucker,” he whispered to the air. Having the present in front of him made Allu so real again, and after so many months apart, he felt his presence in the room, almost like a ghost. It felt too real and too unreal at the same time.

When he opened the envelope, his lower lip was quavering dangerously.

            _“Dear Janne,_

_When you’re reading this, I’m not with you anymore. Of all the truths I’ve had to accept lately, this one stings the most. I never want to leave you alone, and I’m so fucking sorry I can’t make that come true for us. But you’ve got the guys. Don’t abandon the ship just because I did._

_Argh! Fuck this shit. I hate writing letters, and this is just so fucking sad. And you might come home any moment now so I better not cry._

_The content of the present is for your eyes only, even if you’ll probably show it to the guys. Even if you probably don’t believe me when I say that I enjoyed making it, I really did, and I hope you’ll like it too. I hope it can be helpful. It helped me._

_Janne, this letter is fucking killing me. I love you so fucking much. I love everything we’ve accomplished together. I love the band. Let them know, let them feel loved._

_Yours eternally,_

_Alexi”_

The brunette was sobbing painfully while holding the letter, looking at Alexi’s crooked letters, hearing his voice in his head as he skimmed through it again and again. This was like a sign from the grave.

When he had calmed down to a level where he wasn’t shaking anymore, he felt ready to unwrap the present, and he did so with caution. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but what he found went beyond his wildest imagination.

“… Rakas Allu,” he whispered, wishing that his lover could’ve been there with him.

There was a red book with their picture on the cover. It was an old photo, one that Jaska had taken at his place at the very beginning of their career. Alexi’s capitalised handwriting said “The good old days”. Janne had to smile, and he realised that Alexi had put in hundreds of pictures, adding a couple of words or sentences to each photo. The comments said what he’d been thinking at the time, and some of them made Janne blush. Other comments made him want to cry, laugh or smile. It was bittersweet to say the least.

On the very last page, Alexi had written “Booze Brothers forever” together with several pictures of them drunk.

But the photo that really caught his attention was one from their wedding. Nothing was really so special about it, but Alexi was staring at him in a very fond manner that really said more than a thousand words. And the comment was simple: “you’re everything”.

“You’re everything,” he whispered, his finger caressing the picture.

 

* * *

 

It was New Year’s Eve. Janne couldn’t believe that a year had gone by since last time, the days having flown by in something of a haze. The last few months had been among the worst of his life, but the first few had been the best. At the same time, he felt like a completely different person from who he’d been a year ago. Many things had happened and many of those things had altered his way of living, of thinking and of simply existing, because every breath was now self-deceitful.

He didn’t knock on the door; he simply just walked inside, removed his shoes and went to sit in the living room.

“Janne!” Henkka said as soon as he took notice of the quiet brunette. He sat down next to him on the sofa, giving him a half hug. “I haven’t seen you in months, dude.”

“No, I… I needed some time to myself. But I’m back again now.”

“Where have you been?”

The brunette frowned in a thoughtful manner, like he wasn’t entirely sure himself. “Uh, well… I went to Iceland for a few weeks, which was cool, and by cool I mean cold. Then I went to England for some time, but I didn’t really like it there. Everyone there is too polite. I don’t like being polite. And then… uh, it was Denmark, Germany and Poland, and then some of those other Slavic countries. They’ve got some really great beer.”

Henkka nodded and smiled, but he seemed a bit nervous. “You’re back for good then?”

“Of course,” he confirmed. Henkka was about to say something, but Jaska interrupted him from the doorway.

“It’s so great to see you again!” he exclaimed, something that was a bit unusual for the drummer. But he walked up to Janne nonetheless, stealing a hug. “I tried contacting you, but-“

“I know, I know… I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t… I didn’t manage to talk to people. My mum doesn’t even know I’m back.”

Jaska seemed a bit surprised, but he said nothing about it. Instead he smiled a warm smile that was honest and real, and he said: “We have lots to talk about. But more importantly, dinner’s ready! Let’s dig in.”

 

* * *

 

They were seated around the dinner table, eating and chatting away about everything and nothing, much like how things usually were between them. But there was an empty seat, and they felt it in the flow of their conversation, a missing element.

“Look,” Janne said out of the blue, stealing everyone’s attention. “I’ve got a… well, it’s something of a question.”

“What’s up?” Jaska said, putting his knife and fork down to show that he was listening.

“Well, you know those songs we recorded in January? I was thinking… one last Bodom album.”

Henkka’s eyes glinted with something upon hearing Janne’s suggestion. “I’ve been thinking the very same thing, actually,” he said and there was an eagerness in his voice that reminded the brunette of the good old days.

“I’m in,” Jaska chimed in. He was smiling, though it was a bittersweet smile. “I think Alexi would’ve appreciated it. Besides, it’d be unfair to keep it from the fans.”

The keyboardist nodded his head in a thoughtful manner. “Allu would’ve said the same.”

 

* * *

 

About six months later, Children of Bodom released their last album. They chose to name it “20 Years Down and Dirty”. It consisted of ten new songs and some funny recordings they had done while drunk, but then a collection of previously unreleased material. When they had listened to it, it had made all of them feel nostalgic. Hearing Alexi laugh and talk drunken gibberish was a bittersweet joy that made them tear up, remembering him with so much love that it hurt.

“What now?” Henkka asked one evening while they were sitting in Janne’s apartment. The brunette didn’t know how to answer to that question. He’d been trying to find some kind of a solution for himself for a long time, but there wasn’t an easy way to move on from the band, if any.

“I wish I knew. I mean, I’m always working on something, but it doesn’t give me as much satisfaction as working with you guys.”

Henkka didn’t answer to that, and he simply looked at Janne for a long time without speaking. There was something in his eyes that made the keyboardist feel a bit worried. “What?”

“I… I was thinking about moving out.”

“Yeah?”

The bassist was fiddling with his bracelet, yet another one of his nervous habits. “Yeah,” he complied before he looked up and their eyes met. “After all these troubles we’ve been dealing with… I just need some time off, like you did, but I’m selling the apartment. I want to live up north, somewhere around Rovaniemi.”

Janne’s brows drew together in confusion. “… Why?”

“Because,” Henkka said, his voice sounding like a sigh. “I need to put some distance between me and… and this whole messy situation. I never wanted a complicated life, but all of this is very complicated. Now I want to do something simple, something entirely different from the band.”

“You’re quitting music?”

Their eyes met once again. Janne’s brown ones were surprised, though not in a judgemental manner. He just hadn’t expected this from the younger man, having thought that music was his life.

“I’m not saying it’ll be forever,” the bassist replied, his voice laced with some deep emotion. “But without Alexi, there isn’t a point, at least not right now. I don’t feel likes simply just joining a different band, you know? It won’t be the same, not at all.”

The keyboardist couldn’t protest. He felt exactly the same way, even when it came to Warmen, but nothing would ever convince him to move to fucking Rovaniemi.

“I understand that, but Rovaniemi… no thanks.”

They both smiled at that. For a moment, things felt a bit better, even if Alexi was dead. When Janne went to bed that night, he dreamt that they were playing a gig in Santa’s village in Rovaniemi.

 

* * *

 

When another year had passed, Janne felt as if the hollowness had become too much and too important. He felt restless. He had, over the last few months, become too attached to his sofa. While Henkka had indeed moved to Rovaniemi and started his own dog team, Janne hadn’t managed to do anything productive. Sure, he’d been in the studio and he’d created some music, but what was that? He couldn’t find any purpose in it, and so he felt restless.

Jaska had stopped by the other night. They had talked about their options, but as far as Janne could tell, the band was over and out. Jaska had wanted them to do something musically, but Janne was too sick of it all.

It was then, out of nowhere, that he decided to leave Finland behind. He had packed most of his belongings and bought a ticket for America, wishing to start over again. But just as he was about to close the door to his apartment for the last time, he had to stop and pause. He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly, feeling as though it would be impossible to close that door, as if some mysterious power was keeping him from it.

_“Hey, Janne, don’t gimme that look, eh? I’ll start crying as well!”_

Before his mind’s eye, he could see Allu in the couch, his blue eyes sparkling beautifully as studied the brunette’s face. He pictured him as he rose from the chair and walked over to where Janne was standing, his arms open as he pulled him in for a hug. And for a moment there, he could have sworn to have smelled the familiar scent of cigarettes and peppermint. He could have sworn to have felt the warmth of his touch.

“… Allu,” he nearly whimpered, opening his eyes. In just that moment, the sun came into view, warming his face. It caused a wretched sob to slip from his lips.

_“I love you, you silly twat.”_

The memories echoed through his mind in the most painful way imaginable, and yet, there was a new joy in their presence that hadn’t been there before. Janne thought about all the memories – the words, the little touches and the smiles and tears. It was their tale and it was his to keep for his own eternity.

“I love you too,” he said aloud, forcing a trembling smile to his lips. “Always have. Even before I knew what Bathory was…” Those words would have made his Allu laugh pleasantly, remembering the very first time he had laid eyes upon the awkward jazz musician who hadn’t even listened to metal before. Maybe they had loved each other already then. Maybe a seed had been sown, one that would carve their names into each other’s souls.

_“Go ahead, Janne… make the world shine. It’s a whole new adventure, y’know.”_

Janne closed the door for the last time, feeling as if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He had finally found some peace within himself – within the memories he kept close. They defined him, just as their long adventure together had defined him. Allu – and the band – had crafted him into what he was. It was only natural that the passing of his beloved would continue to alter him, though he couldn’t know whether it would be for better or for worse. That question could only be answered by the future that awaited him, and that was his final thought as he walked to the cab. It was his final thought as he left the only home he had ever known.


End file.
